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Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection Kindle Edition
—Adam Grant, author of Think Again and Originals, and host of the TED podcast WorkLife
For many of us, listening is simply something we do on autopilot. We hear just enough of what others say to get our work done, maintain friendships, and be polite with our neighbors. But we miss crucial opportunities to go deeper—to give and receive honest feedback, to make connections that will endure for the long haul, and to discover who people truly are at their core.
Fortunately, listening can be improved—and Ximena Vengoechea can show you how. In Listen Like You Mean It, she offers an essential listening guide for our times, revealing tried-and-true strategies honed in her own research sessions and drawn from interviews with marriage counselors, podcast hosts, life coaches, journalists, filmmakers, and other listening experts. Through Vengoechea’s set of scripts, key questions, exercises, and illustrations, you’ll learn to:
• Quickly build rapport with strangers
• Ask the right questions to deepen a conversation
• Pause at the right time to encourage vulnerability
• Navigate a conversation that’s gone off the rails
Now more than ever, we need to feel heard, connected, and understood in a world that keeps turning up the volume. Warm, funny, and immensely practical, this book shows you how.
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherPortfolio
- Publication dateMarch 30, 2021
- File size30.3 MB

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Editorial Reviews
Review
—Publishers Weekly
“You know listening is one of the best ways to learn and connect, but how much time have you actually spent analyzing your style and skills? As a user experience researcher, Ximena Vengoechea specializes in the art and science of listening. Her book is full of revealing, instantly applicable ideas for leveraging your strengths and overcoming your weaknesses.”
—Adam Grant, author of Think Again and Originals, and host of the TED podcast WorkLife
"Could there be a more relevant book for our times? While there are plenty of books on persuasion, none tells us how to influence others through the quiet art of understanding. Vengoechea implores us to truly hear other people (maybe for the first time) and is the perfect author of a book on why we should listen like we mean it."
—Nir Eyal, author of Hooked and Indistractable
“Ximena’s front-line experience as a researcher results in an impressive array of relatable stories and actionable tools to better understand each other and to create space for new ideas and honest feelings.”
—Julie Zhuo, author of The Making of a Manager
"This is a book about generosity and dignity, about caring enough to actually let the truth come through. In the race to build the next big thing, too often we forget to build the right thing."
—Seth Godin, author of The Practice
“Listen Like You Mean It brings an extremely underappreciated skill to the forefront, and illuminates practical ways we can all improve, whether we’re designing products, trying to reach an agreement, or simply listening to a friend. The world would be a better place if we all developed a listening mindset.”
—Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy, coauthors of No Hard Feelings
“Being a good listener is a superpower—and extremely hard to do! Ximena shares with us immensely practical advice in a step-by-step playbook that delights, informs and inspires. A must read for anyone looking to build better relationships at work and grow in their career.”
—Alexandra Cavoulacos, founder of The Muse and coauthor of The New Rules of Work
"Listen Like You Mean It is a delight—a secret handbook for mastering communication in the work world and beyond, from a world-class expert who writes like a friend."
—Jake Knapp, author of Make Time and Sprint
"An engaging and approachable book clearly crafted by a professional communicator, this is an essential guide to listening to and truly hearing others. A helpful read for personal and professional development, or an unsubtle gift for encouraging more meaningful conversations."
—Adam J. Kurtz, artist and author of Things Are What You Make of Them
“A helpful guide to listening, especially for people in human resources or research careers who depend on keen observational skills to succeed.”
—Lea Berman and Jeremy Bernard, coauthors of Treating People Well
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Introduction
To Listen Is to Understand
Charlotte was quiet, and so was I. We were sitting in the research lab, in front of a one-way mirror through which my team was observing the session. We had reached a crucial point in our conversation about a difficult and often- taboo topic: personal finances.
It’s often easier to talk about pictures than to talk about something so intimate, so for this study on budgeting, I had asked participants to collect images of their ideal financial future to help guide our discussions. Each participant had a different vision for themselves. Some brought in pictures of luxury cars and extravagant homes to represent a future with more money than they needed, while others, like Charlotte, shared images that showed they aimed for that middle-class dream of home ownership and organic groceries. Still others brought images that indicated they longed for the bare necessities, like getting out of debt and out of the canned food aisle.
From my conversation with Charlotte so far, I knew that she was tired. She had quit a job she loved after having a baby to raise her son full time. Now, she filled her days with childcare and household planning while her husband worked. With a single salary and a third mouth to feed, her family budget had to be measured carefully. Every week she compared deals across local grocery stores, shopped creatively to keep her budget in check, and meal planned according to what was on sale. Every grocery run was carefully documented for her husband, who regularly reviewed their spending in an effort to keep their budget on track.
Some people enjoy the conquest of finding the best deals and will share these stories with pride and a glow in their eyes, but not Charlotte. She dutifully shared the necessary details with me, but I could tell she was not enjoying our conversation. She had increasingly begun to avoid eye contact, and her responses, once clear, were now little more than a mumble. My co‑workers in the back room pinged me on Slack, “Can you ask her to speak up? Hard to hear back here.”
When I asked Charlotte what she thought it would take to get to her ideal financial state—shopping for fancy cheese at gourmet markets instead of the sales at Safeway—she gave me what I knew was a surface-level answer, the kind you give to quickly placate someone without actually saying what you mean. Just like saying “fine” when someone asks you how you’re doing, when you’re actually having the worst day ever.
“More budgeting, I guess,” she said. Then, she was silent, even a bit sullen. She sighed and looked away.
Sensing her unease, I wanted to let Charlotte off the hook and move on to the next topic. Part of me even wanted to bail her out entirely and say, “We’re all done here. Have a great day!” I wanted to interrupt wherever her train of thought was going— because it looked like it was a very stressful place. But I knew that if I did, I’d lose my chance to hear what she needed to say. So instead of moving on, I waited. Five seconds turned into ten seconds, and ten seconds turned into twenty. The silence felt interminable. I focused on my breathing, in and out, in and out, and waited some more. She turned to look at me, and I softly, quietly, held eye contact. And just when things began to feel really awkward, Charlotte spoke.
“I guess I don’t know how we’ll get there,” she said. “We want to buy a home, but it’s hard enough deal- hunting for groceries. Anything beyond that feels impossible—I’m not sure more budgeting can change that.”
Charlotte stopped, but I sensed she had more to say, so I summarized aloud what I had heard.
“It sounds like a difficult balance, to manage both your near- term needs and future dreams,” I said.
“You have no idea,” she said, and she proceeded to open up about her fears and frustrations.
A Researcher’s Tool Kit
For the past seven years, I have refined my listening skills as a user researcher, manager, and mentor at some of Silicon Valley’s top tech companies. My job is to understand the people who use or could someday use the various products we build, from mobile apps and websites to in‑home devices and on‑the‑go experiences. With every conversation, I am required to quickly connect with strangers—sometimes on topics they don’t want to talk about, and often in front of an audience—and discover what makes them tick, what drives them nuts, and how and why our products play a role in their lives. It’s a challenging task, but a good researcher makes it feel natural and easy.
I’ve been a user researcher for nearly a decade now, but no matter how many sessions I’ve run, every interview has a moment like Charlotte’s: a participant is on the verge of sharing something important, until their emotions, temperament, focus, or even a desire to please get in the way, causing them to shut down and clam up. When this happens, every ounce of my body wants to pivot, interrupt, or save participants (and myself) from discomfort.
But I’ve got a job to do. In every study, I have to uncover a specific set of insights that will ensure that my team is building a product that’s actually useful—not just one they assume has potential. I have to know what a participant really thinks, whether by shadowing someone catching a rideshare to learn about their experience with a mobile app (Do they obsessively track their driver’s progress, or do they tuck away their phone and wait it out—and why?), asking a traveler how it feels when a vacation rental listing doesn’t line up with reality to help better set expectations in the future (How inaccurate is too inaccurate? What is considered to be misleading and what’s a simple mistake?), or even prompting a group of participants to critique our app, site, or real- world experience to understand how we can improve it (We know the app could be better—do they think so, too? If so, where should we start?).
So I’ve learned to get comfortable with discomfort. I’ve learned how to lean into it and show the other person that I am interested in what they have to say, and how to confirm my understanding of what I’m hearing in the moment. I’ve learned that to truly connect and understand my participant, I need to stay active in conversation—not by rushing things along or persuading others to come around to my point of view, but by listening thoughtfully to what’s being said, what’s left unsaid, and even what my own inner monologue is saying. Showing up—without engagement, attention, and encouragement—is not enough.
I became a researcher because I am naturally drawn to other people’s stories. The skills I’ve acquired have enabled me to make the space for Charlotte, and countless other participants, to be vulnerable and honest with me, a perfect stranger, about their true feelings on a variety of topics. But what I didn’t know when I first started is that the skills I was learning as a researcher would serve me not just in the lab but outside of it, too. Being patient, asking open- ended questions, facilitating a conversation—these techniques help me get to the bottom of a research question, but they also help me build better relationships with my colleagues, direct reports, family, and loved ones.
Most of us listen well enough, but without deliberate attention we may move through conversation with significant blind spots. It’s easy for us to learn only part of the story, or misunderstand it entirely. Miscommunication can escalate a neutral situation to a negative one, and make an already negative scenario worse. Whether our misses are big or small, when they happen, we may walk away feeling detached and isolated from others rather than connected to them. At a time when our relationships are increasingly mediated through devices that lack the warmth and honesty of a face‑to‑face interaction; when we are moving farther from home, and more frequently; when our social ties are weaker, our anxiety levels higher, and loneliness is on the rise; in a culture of self- promotion, overwork, and political and racial divisiveness; and in the midst of unexpected global crises that keep us not just culturally but physically far apart from each other, we need to feel connected more than ever—and listening provides a way forward.
Too often, we “solve” for miscommunication by focusing only on what we say and how we’re saying it: if we could only get our message across, things would be much easier. As a result, we may decide to adjust our messaging or dial up the volume. But when we focus solely on our capabilities as speakers, we risk turning our conversation partners into an audience rather than equal collaborators. It will be hard for others to relate to us, much less put their trust in us, if that happens.
Instead, if we want to unpack others’ behaviors, motivations, and the way they think about the world, listening can help get us there. When we want to hear someone’s candid feelings on a topic or understand their aspirations in order to best support them, listening is what creates the space someone needs to be honest. When an argument is underway or when we engage with those who hold values or beliefs opposite to our own, thoughtful listening can help us approach them with an open mind rather than push them away. Truly effective listening can even enable others to tell us when we ourselves might be in the wrong. Every conversation is an opportunity to understand and connect with others much more deeply, if we know how to listen.
Becoming a researcher changed my approach to everyday conversation in two ways. First, I began to be more self-aware of my own listening habits, catching myself when my attention or emotions were getting in the way of my hearing others and course correcting in real time. Second, in true researcher form, I began to observe what made others around me effective listeners. These individuals seemed to have many of the qualities we researchers are trained in: curiosity, empathy, and the ability to ask thoughtful questions. This was a helpful observation. It suggested that the traits many of us assume to be innate—and perhaps unattainable if listening does not come to us naturally—could also be acquired.
So I began to experiment, incorporating various listening techniques into my conversations to see what worked and what didn’t. Some techniques fit right into everyday conversation. Others needed minor adjustments to work in the real world, or were better for some scenarios but not others. I also discovered new techniques— techniques I would later bring back into my research practice. Sometimes a technique did not translate into the real world at all. And there were times when my own listening quirks would get in the way.
This book is a distillation of what I learned as I deepened my listening practice—as a user researcher and as a manager but also as a sister, daughter, wife, and friend. It is my road map to becoming a better listener, the result of many hours of conversations with strangers, expert interviews with other professional listeners, and many personal experiments, too. I hope it proves useful as you navigate the relationships in your life, whoever they’re with.
Product details
- ASIN : B08CTG778J
- Publisher : Portfolio
- Accessibility : Learn more
- Publication date : March 30, 2021
- Language : English
- File size : 30.3 MB
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Print length : 334 pages
- ISBN-13 : 978-0593087060
- Page Flip : Enabled
- Best Sellers Rank: #718,885 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author

Ximena Vengoechea is a user researcher, writer, and illustrator whose work on personal and professional development has been published in Inc., The Washington Post, Fast Company, Newsweek, Forbes, among others. She is the author of the new book, The Life Audit: A Step-By-Step Guide to Discovering Your Goals and Building the Life You Want (October 2024), based on her popular project The Life Audit; a companion journal, The Life Audit Journal is forthcoming (February 2025). Her previous book, Rest Easy: Discover Calm and Abundance through the Radical Power of Rest, received a starred review from Library Journal and was named one of Book Riot’s best books of 2023. Her first book, Listen Like You Mean it: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection (Penguin Random House), was a Next Big Idea Club finalist in 2021. She also writes Letters from Ximena, a newsletter about staying curious, getting creative, and living well. Ximena is a keynote speaker on topics such as empathetic and inclusive listening, navigating difficult conversations, and preventing burnout. A user researcher by training, she previously worked at Pinterest, LinkedIn, and Twitter.
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Customers find the book incredibly insightful, serving as an excellent primer for building listening skills. They describe it as fun to read, with one customer noting its amazing illustrations.
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Customers find the book incredibly insightful, serving as an excellent primer for building listening skills.
"...Not only has Ximena taught me how to listen in professional settings, but a lot of the information and methods in this book has also helped me on a..." Read more
"...She's had a fabulous career as a user researcher and guides the reader through incredible listening skills and asking powerful questions...." Read more
"...I found the real-life examples provided especially interesting and insightful, in addition to being a fascinating peek behind the scenes for..." Read more
"This is such an actionable, practical book. I so resonated with concepts such as cultivating a listening mindset, identifying my default listening..." Read more
Customers find the book enjoyable and fun to read.
"...It teaches you how to have a listening mindset that's actually fun and rewarding. Plus the book has amazing illustrations...." Read more
"This book was a joy to read - from the easy to understand illustrations to the real world stories shared...." Read more
"Perfect book for helping renew the commitment to being a good listener to your team, stakeholders, and boss (in addition to your spouse and friends!)..." Read more
Customers appreciate the illustrations in the book, with one noting they are easy to understand.
"...Plus the book has amazing illustrations...." Read more
"...For visual learners, the drawings and diagrams throughout the book are plentiful and incredibly insightful." Read more
"This book was a joy to read - from the easy to understand illustrations to the real world stories shared...." Read more
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10x Your Communication
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on July 25, 2021Format: HardcoverVerified PurchaseI found out about Ximena Vengoechea after she spoke in a webinar hosted by DesignLab. I decided to buy her book to learn more about improving my listening skills for my job as a junior user researcher. However, I ended up learning way more than I expected to. Not only has Ximena taught me how to listen in professional settings, but a lot of the information and methods in this book has also helped me on a personal level. I've started cultivating genuine curiosity about all my "conversation partners" - at work and at home! It teaches you how to have a listening mindset that's actually fun and rewarding. Plus the book has amazing illustrations. Lastly, there are many books that teach you how to listen and they often repeat the same formula for improving listening skills (don't listen to respond, paraphrasing what has been said, asking open ended questions, have a genuine interest in other people, etc). Trust me, Listen Like You Mean It goes beyond that!
- Reviewed in the United States on June 24, 2023Format: HardcoverVerified PurchaseI **HIGHLY** recomend Ximena Vengoechea's book, "Listen Like You Mean It." She's had a fabulous career as a user researcher and guides the reader through incredible listening skills and asking powerful questions.
One of my strengths is Curiosity Conversations, which is the basis of my TEDx talk (one of the top 3% of all TEDx talks). I *thought* I was good. Her book rocked my world and demonstrated how I can get EXPONENTIALLY better.
For visual learners, the drawings and diagrams throughout the book are plentiful and incredibly insightful.
5.0 out of 5 starsI **HIGHLY** recomend Ximena Vengoechea's book, "Listen Like You Mean It." She's had a fabulous career as a user researcher and guides the reader through incredible listening skills and asking powerful questions.10x Your Communication
Reviewed in the United States on June 24, 2023
One of my strengths is Curiosity Conversations, which is the basis of my TEDx talk (one of the top 3% of all TEDx talks). I *thought* I was good. Her book rocked my world and demonstrated how I can get EXPONENTIALLY better.
For visual learners, the drawings and diagrams throughout the book are plentiful and incredibly insightful.
Images in this review
- Reviewed in the United States on March 31, 2021Format: HardcoverVerified PurchaseThis book was a joy to read - from the easy to understand illustrations to the real world stories shared. I learned so many ways in which I can be a better listener with colleagues, friends, and family.
I highly recommend this book to anyone in the design field since listening is so core to our job and anyone else who recognizes this is a critical component to building any relationship!
- Reviewed in the United States on March 30, 2021Format: HardcoverVerified PurchaseExcellent primer for building upon one’s listening skills. I plan to use the strategies in this book for my practice in the healthcare setting, and see this book providing a valuable skill set for anyone, in any context, whether personal or professional.
I found the real-life examples provided especially interesting and insightful, in addition to being a fascinating peek behind the scenes for aspiring UX researchers.
- Reviewed in the United States on April 16, 2021Format: HardcoverVerified PurchaseThis is such an actionable, practical book. I so resonated with concepts such as cultivating a listening mindset, identifying my default listening mode and clarifying my role. I know I'll be referring to this book and re-reading it for years to come. It's such a great contribution to those of us who aim to be better listeners. I highly recommend it.
- Reviewed in the United States on April 3, 2021Format: HardcoverVerified PurchasePerfect book for helping renew the commitment to being a good listener to your team, stakeholders, and boss (in addition to your spouse and friends!) in an age of distraction and WFH.
- Reviewed in the United States on January 27, 2023Format: PaperbackVerified PurchaseThis book has no value add to everyday life and interactions. Its contents are basic. If you've been interacting with other people for any period of time, save your money or find another book.
"Deepen the conversation" is a chapter on exploring different types of questions to ask in order to learn more. Other than perhaps defining a "connecting question" or an "exploratory question" what is described are basic ways to have a conversation while being curious.
I am disappointed in the author's lack of insight or even "tricks of the trade" as she describes herself as a "researcher who is naturally drawn to hearing other people's stories." If this book is a culmination of what she has learned during her career, I worry about any clients who used her services when she was starting out! As I said, this is all very basic interpersonal behavior.
- Reviewed in the United States on March 31, 2021Format: HardcoverVerified PurchaseThis book offers helpful techniques for the things we all do that interfere with deep listening. After reading it, I’m resolved to try them. Thanks, Ximena.
Top reviews from other countries
- LuaiReviewed in the United Arab Emirates on March 2, 2024
4.0 out of 5 stars Good content
Format: PaperbackVerified PurchaseNicely written, even though I feel there are some stuff being cited from somewhere else. Can be more original and brings more interesting ideas.
- Robert BobanReviewed in Germany on April 28, 2024
3.0 out of 5 stars Sorry but boring…
The book is meant to follow a nice rhythm and logical sequence of explanations for why active listening is an important skill... but it's full of boring examples that just make me skip ahead and try to find the part that's trying to focus on the topic. If you're an alien and have never spoken to a human from planet Earth, then maybe this book makes sense...