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The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire
The Ultimate Spiritual Guide for Men
What is your true purpose in life? What do women really want? What makes a good lover? If you're a man reading this, you've undoubtedly asked yourself these questions—but you may not have had much luck answering them. Until now.
In The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida explores the most important issues in men's lives—from career and family to women and intimacy to love and spirituality and relationships—to offer a practical guidebook for living a masculine life of integrity, authenticity, and freedom. Join this bestselling author and internationally renowned expert on sexual spirituality for straightforward advice, empowering skills, body practices, and more to help you realize a life of fulfillment, immediately and without compromise.
"It is time to evolve beyond the macho jerk ideal, all spine and no heart," writes David Deida. "It is also time to evolve beyond the sensitive and caring wimp ideal, all heart and no spine." The Way of the Superior Man presents the ultimate challenge—and reward—for today's man: to discover the 'unity of heart and spine' through the full expression of consciousness and love in the infinite openness of the present moment.
Contents
Part One: A Man's Way
Part Two: Dealing With Women
Part Three: Working With Polarity and Energy
Part Four: What Women Really Want
Part Five: Your Dark Side
Part Six: Feminine Attractiveness
Part Seven: Body Practices
Part Eight: Men's and Women's Yoga of Intimacy
Excerpt:
This book is a guide for a specific kind of newly evolving man. This man is unabashedly masculine—he is purposeful, confident, and directed, living his chosen way of life with deep integrity and humor—and he is sensitive, spontaneous, and spiritually alive, with a heart-commitment to discovering and living his deepest truth.
What is your true purpose in life? What do women really want? What makes a good lover? If you're a man reading this, you've undoubtedly asked yourself these questions—but you may not have had much luck answering them. Until now.
In The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida explores the most important issues in men's lives—from career and family to women and intimacy to love and spirituality and relationships—to offer a practical guidebook for living a masculine life of integrity, authenticity, and freedom. Join this bestselling author and internationally renowned expert on sexual spirituality for straightforward advice, empowering skills, body practices, and more to help you realize a life of fulfillment, immediately and without compromise.
"It is time to evolve beyond the macho jerk ideal, all spine and no heart," writes David Deida. "It is also time to evolve beyond the sensitive and caring wimp ideal, all heart and no spine." The Way of the Superior Man presents the ultimate challenge—and reward—for today's man: to discover the 'unity of heart and spine' through the full expression of consciousness and love in the infinite openness of the present moment.
Contents
Part One: A Man's Way
Part Two: Dealing With Women
Part Three: Working With Polarity and Energy
Part Four: What Women Really Want
Part Five: Your Dark Side
Part Six: Feminine Attractiveness
Part Seven: Body Practices
Part Eight: Men's and Women's Yoga of Intimacy
Excerpt:
This book is a guide for a specific kind of newly evolving man. This man is unabashedly masculine—he is purposeful, confident, and directed, living his chosen way of life with deep integrity and humor—and he is sensitive, spontaneous, and spiritually alive, with a heart-commitment to discovering and living his deepest truth.
202 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1997
7118 people are currently reading
50314 people want to read
About the author
David Deida
93 books715 followersDavid Deida is an American author who writes about the sexual and spiritual relationship between men and women.[1] His ten books have been published in 25 languages. He conducts spiritual growth and intimacy workshops and is one of the many founding associates at the Integral Institute. He has conducted research and taught classes at the University of California at Santa Cruz, Lexington Institute in Boston, San Jose State University and Ecole Polytechnique in Paris. He is the author of numerous essays, articles, and books on human spirituality including The Way of the Superior Man, Finding God Through Sex and Blue Truth and the autobiographical novel Wild Nights.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 2,305 reviews
October 18, 2011
the casual reader misunderstands deida and wrongly characterizes him as stereotyping genders. this is not at all what he is doing. listen deeper. he writes/teaches about masculine and feminine energy, which is present to varying degrees in all men and women. when he describes feminine energy, he is not describing women, and when he describes masculine energy, he is not describing men. this is an important distinction. as he says, even places have masculine and feminine energies, e.g., hawaii has predominantly feminine energy, while new york is very masculine.
the feminine is everything that changes and flows. the feminine is light and love. the masculine is stillness, nothingness. the masculine observes. each energy provides unique gifts. the masculine holds the space for the feminine - like the riverbanks (stillness) hold the space for the river (life) to flow. the feminine invites the masculine to life.
those who think him to be misogynistic are missing his point entirely. the weather is feminine. any good sailor knows this. the sailor can only navigate the ocean well when he has great respect for the ocean, and knows that if the ocean wants to crush him, the ocean wins.
to really understand deida, listen to him teach. there are downloadable mp3's on his website (i highly recommend 'the complete recordings,' a 3-volume set). he is at his most brilliant when he is working with people in his workshops. his use of language is disarming, in a good way. he is incredibly articulate and his powerful presence can be felt right through the recordings.
i have read many books and authors on the subject of spiritual sex, and deida is by far the best. margot anand is a far second, in my opinion. this book, along with finding god through sex, should be required reading for anyone who wants to deepen their spiritual life, and understanding of relationship.
the feminine is everything that changes and flows. the feminine is light and love. the masculine is stillness, nothingness. the masculine observes. each energy provides unique gifts. the masculine holds the space for the feminine - like the riverbanks (stillness) hold the space for the river (life) to flow. the feminine invites the masculine to life.
those who think him to be misogynistic are missing his point entirely. the weather is feminine. any good sailor knows this. the sailor can only navigate the ocean well when he has great respect for the ocean, and knows that if the ocean wants to crush him, the ocean wins.
to really understand deida, listen to him teach. there are downloadable mp3's on his website (i highly recommend 'the complete recordings,' a 3-volume set). he is at his most brilliant when he is working with people in his workshops. his use of language is disarming, in a good way. he is incredibly articulate and his powerful presence can be felt right through the recordings.
i have read many books and authors on the subject of spiritual sex, and deida is by far the best. margot anand is a far second, in my opinion. this book, along with finding god through sex, should be required reading for anyone who wants to deepen their spiritual life, and understanding of relationship.
July 8, 2020
This is one of these books written in a very philosophical way. The way that opens your mind, and you start to perceive things differently. I never understood what it takes to be a superior man. What’s the mindset. I was always the “good guy”. I understood that being the man is having the purpose more important than the relationship. It’s about the understanding of masculine, and feminine energy, and knowing how to deal with them.
There are so many lessons from this book. These are my top 3 takeaways (at this moment of time):
* Free yourself from the expectations and criticisms of your father
* Do it for love, not for personal gain or pleasure
* Don't get lost in tasks and duties
From this book, I distilled 23 mindsets that the superior man should have, and also I wrote a detailed book summary that you can read here: https://www.mentorist.app/books/the-w...
There are so many lessons from this book. These are my top 3 takeaways (at this moment of time):
* Free yourself from the expectations and criticisms of your father
* Do it for love, not for personal gain or pleasure
* Don't get lost in tasks and duties
From this book, I distilled 23 mindsets that the superior man should have, and also I wrote a detailed book summary that you can read here: https://www.mentorist.app/books/the-w...
July 4, 2013
Ok, I NEVER write reviews on goodreads (or on amazon, or anywhere else) but this time, I just had to.
First, let me say I completely understand why serious feminists get their panties in a bunch over this book: the language is definitely not politically correct (the constant use of "your woman" rubbed me the wrong way at first, and he uses words like "pussywhipped" every once in a while). It's also possible to interpret some of his statements as discouraging women to have a career, life goals, and a their own lives outside their romantic relationship, because he calls a lot of these efforts "masculine". However, I think Deida actually demonstrates an excellent understanding of women and the way their minds work.
It's also easy to dismiss this book as new-age "woo-woo" bullshit because of some of the language and Eastern philosophy that runs through it. Please don't. Read deeper, to his meanings.
Ok - so this book was written mostly for heterosexual men, but practically everyone can benefit from reading it. As a straight woman, I was happy to learn A LOT about men (the book explains so much about their priorities and the way they see the world) but was even happier with Deida's explanations about the feminine mind. Today, women are living in a world where a lot of feminine qualities are not valued - we're expected to be successful in some sort of business, intelligent and achieving, and strong. I grew up in Montana and Colorado, and can tell you that flighty feminine emotions are certainly not valued there! And I've definitely bought into the theory that women should be successful achievers too - I'm a 4th year medical student. BUT this book has allowed me to understand all my feminine qualities that I've been suppressing and hiding my whole life!
Yep, I have weird emotions and change my mind a lot and speak according to what I feel at that instant.
Yep, I prioritize my relationship above all else, allow my mood to be determined by my current perception of that relationship (and then figure all other elements of my life will fall into place around that relationship)
Yep, I actually want my man to have a strong life purpose, and love me too.
Yep, pretty much all of it. Deida's got it right. And I feel a lot better about my own "craziness" too, and am glad to hear I'm not the only strong woman hiding in a mind that sometimes misses the old gender roles and holds my relationship at the center of my life.
In summary: read it. You'll learn something. Even if you don't agree with every word, it may change your life. Really.
First, let me say I completely understand why serious feminists get their panties in a bunch over this book: the language is definitely not politically correct (the constant use of "your woman" rubbed me the wrong way at first, and he uses words like "pussywhipped" every once in a while). It's also possible to interpret some of his statements as discouraging women to have a career, life goals, and a their own lives outside their romantic relationship, because he calls a lot of these efforts "masculine". However, I think Deida actually demonstrates an excellent understanding of women and the way their minds work.
It's also easy to dismiss this book as new-age "woo-woo" bullshit because of some of the language and Eastern philosophy that runs through it. Please don't. Read deeper, to his meanings.
Ok - so this book was written mostly for heterosexual men, but practically everyone can benefit from reading it. As a straight woman, I was happy to learn A LOT about men (the book explains so much about their priorities and the way they see the world) but was even happier with Deida's explanations about the feminine mind. Today, women are living in a world where a lot of feminine qualities are not valued - we're expected to be successful in some sort of business, intelligent and achieving, and strong. I grew up in Montana and Colorado, and can tell you that flighty feminine emotions are certainly not valued there! And I've definitely bought into the theory that women should be successful achievers too - I'm a 4th year medical student. BUT this book has allowed me to understand all my feminine qualities that I've been suppressing and hiding my whole life!
Yep, I have weird emotions and change my mind a lot and speak according to what I feel at that instant.
Yep, I prioritize my relationship above all else, allow my mood to be determined by my current perception of that relationship (and then figure all other elements of my life will fall into place around that relationship)
Yep, I actually want my man to have a strong life purpose, and love me too.
Yep, pretty much all of it. Deida's got it right. And I feel a lot better about my own "craziness" too, and am glad to hear I'm not the only strong woman hiding in a mind that sometimes misses the old gender roles and holds my relationship at the center of my life.
In summary: read it. You'll learn something. Even if you don't agree with every word, it may change your life. Really.
April 27, 2020
I read this book after seeing it enthusiastically recommended by various sources online, with some ringing endorsements from a few people. I bought it in spite of knowing that it's big with the PUA community. I was very excited to get the chance to read it, but I must admit that I was extremely disappointed.
As others have pointed out, Deida has no real professional credentials to fall back on, and his official bio is vague. From what I’ve gathered he has no PhD or PsyD or any other type of doctoral degree, he dropped out of school before he earned it. His undergraduate degree is in Theoretical Psycho biology and his masters is in Biology. He claims to have taught courses and have done research at several colleges but doesn't mention that any of it relates to the subject matter of this book. Mentions a lot about a background in yoga, spirituality, Buddhism, and no surprise here, creative writing. He also isn't licensed as a therapist and makes the claim that everything that he has taught and written since 1989 is free of the influence of academic and spiritual institution. He considers himself "an entertainer," much like the scam artists who masquerade as "gurus" in other fields. His book comes across as little more than the egotistical blovating of a narcissist who's out to bilk his followers for all the love and attention he can get by regurgitating quasi-spiritual pablum.
Deida's prose is sometimes called "poetic," which is a nice way of saying that he's cheesy, vague, and likes to spout trite New Age cliches as if they were ancient wisdom. This was an immediate turnoff as I began reading. What do phrases like "give your gift" mean, exactly? I still don't know, even after seeing this phrase repeated several hundred times. There are more than a few statements which follow this formula: "IF you don't do this or IF you are this...THEN you are a weak man." I found these judgmental statements more goading towards believing the author's assertions, and basing a man's relative weakness or strength on a single, limited dimension rather than letting the reader decide the validity of the author's statements. The language used is a bit dramatic. I cannot count how many times I have read the word "penetrate."
There are certainly some worthy passages about being congruent with yourself so that your woman trusts you such as how it's important for a man to pay attention to a woman's emotions and not try to fix her problems, how women want a man who's steadfast and has a direction and goal in life, and how many women prefer a guy who takes the lead in a relationship and handles the traditional male gender roles. And I liked the idea that in any intimate relationship, we can grow in leaps and bounds, but I think this also ignores the extremely desirable effects of biochemistry which predispose humans to being in "intimate" relationships. Again, the book is too simplistic and too one-dimensional in its perspective. And the most common solution to any problem a man may have with a woman in their relationship, that one reads page after page, is that you should suddenly create new energy in the moment, give your woman your full consciousness and embrace her with love. You should be living in full consciousness regardless of your woman. However, this book is not worth sifting through the author's bloated, shallow, cliche ridden New Age onanism to find.
As others have pointed out, Deida has no real professional credentials to fall back on, and his official bio is vague. From what I’ve gathered he has no PhD or PsyD or any other type of doctoral degree, he dropped out of school before he earned it. His undergraduate degree is in Theoretical Psycho biology and his masters is in Biology. He claims to have taught courses and have done research at several colleges but doesn't mention that any of it relates to the subject matter of this book. Mentions a lot about a background in yoga, spirituality, Buddhism, and no surprise here, creative writing. He also isn't licensed as a therapist and makes the claim that everything that he has taught and written since 1989 is free of the influence of academic and spiritual institution. He considers himself "an entertainer," much like the scam artists who masquerade as "gurus" in other fields. His book comes across as little more than the egotistical blovating of a narcissist who's out to bilk his followers for all the love and attention he can get by regurgitating quasi-spiritual pablum.
Deida's prose is sometimes called "poetic," which is a nice way of saying that he's cheesy, vague, and likes to spout trite New Age cliches as if they were ancient wisdom. This was an immediate turnoff as I began reading. What do phrases like "give your gift" mean, exactly? I still don't know, even after seeing this phrase repeated several hundred times. There are more than a few statements which follow this formula: "IF you don't do this or IF you are this...THEN you are a weak man." I found these judgmental statements more goading towards believing the author's assertions, and basing a man's relative weakness or strength on a single, limited dimension rather than letting the reader decide the validity of the author's statements. The language used is a bit dramatic. I cannot count how many times I have read the word "penetrate."
There are certainly some worthy passages about being congruent with yourself so that your woman trusts you such as how it's important for a man to pay attention to a woman's emotions and not try to fix her problems, how women want a man who's steadfast and has a direction and goal in life, and how many women prefer a guy who takes the lead in a relationship and handles the traditional male gender roles. And I liked the idea that in any intimate relationship, we can grow in leaps and bounds, but I think this also ignores the extremely desirable effects of biochemistry which predispose humans to being in "intimate" relationships. Again, the book is too simplistic and too one-dimensional in its perspective. And the most common solution to any problem a man may have with a woman in their relationship, that one reads page after page, is that you should suddenly create new energy in the moment, give your woman your full consciousness and embrace her with love. You should be living in full consciousness regardless of your woman. However, this book is not worth sifting through the author's bloated, shallow, cliche ridden New Age onanism to find.
July 8, 2013
I cannot believe the high ratings of this book! It is terrible. Simply terrible! There are shards of stereotypical gendered roles in it for sure, so I'm sure that will ring true enough to some people. Am I a feminist in that I expect women and men to be treated equally, yes. I have never, ever put down men as a group. In fact I'm the one that usually ends up defending them. I would say a truly strong person never needs to "ballbust" because they are secure enough in their own strength/competency not to have to put another "gender" down to feel more powerful. This is what Deida completely misses! A feminine energy, as Deida describes it, can still be strong, smart, gentle, independent, loving and not try to decimate the masculine people of the world.
With the research I've done, the biggest problem I run into is that people won't believe how destructive women can be (and not just mentally!).I tried to read this book with an open mind and at first I was doing ok, but the deeper I got, the worse it got and the more I kept shaking my head. There is no research behind this book. But what can we say...he's smart to have written a controversial book because let's face it, controversy sells!
His division of what is feminine and masculine right up front is absurd. Feminine and Masculine are not mutually exclusive and exhaustive in people. If you want to get more "zen", then both feminine and masculine energies exist in everything to be at a balance at least to some degree. At the beginning of every chapter, he gives a general truth that is (and has been held) in many cultures so at first it doesn't seem so off and admittedly I found myself being amused. But then as he starts to explain his ideas more thoroughly, they fall apart quickly to anyone who has ever done or read research on pretty much anything related at all to men and women (or heck even anyone who is able to think critically). At first, he makes it clear that he is talking about sexual essence, but then later he extrapolates further to just feminine and masculine.
He also clearly thinks that the feminine energy is always the more vulnerable and is always on the receiving end of wrong behaviour (i.e. affairs). And he never addressed that a person can be all the energies at different times and still be successful in and out of the bedroom. You could generally be a "hot feminine energy" most of the time but that doesn't mean in the appropriate situation you can't be a "cool" one. That is assuming you buy into his divisive mindset at all. There is so much more to a successful relationship than just having polarity in your sexual essences! Would a very masculine male want to be in a relationship with a very feminine woman who would cheat, steal, be emotionally unstable? Doubtful, but according to Deida a masculine energy can be strong enough to change this behaviour... yeah nice try!
I think many people want to believe his opinion and so they accept what rings true and ignore all the other crap (sorry to use that word, but that's the cleaner version). It is so easy to accept information that is already believed to be true and ignore the rest that doesn't fit with their way of thinking. Near the end of the book he starts to discuss basically chakra work, but he has just written the cliff note version at best.
I would never recommend this book of less than pop-psychology. It goes against the hundreds of studies that are out there...so who is buying this book? Is it just people wanting to adhere to or return to the traditional gender roles of the 50s??
With the research I've done, the biggest problem I run into is that people won't believe how destructive women can be (and not just mentally!).I tried to read this book with an open mind and at first I was doing ok, but the deeper I got, the worse it got and the more I kept shaking my head. There is no research behind this book. But what can we say...he's smart to have written a controversial book because let's face it, controversy sells!
His division of what is feminine and masculine right up front is absurd. Feminine and Masculine are not mutually exclusive and exhaustive in people. If you want to get more "zen", then both feminine and masculine energies exist in everything to be at a balance at least to some degree. At the beginning of every chapter, he gives a general truth that is (and has been held) in many cultures so at first it doesn't seem so off and admittedly I found myself being amused. But then as he starts to explain his ideas more thoroughly, they fall apart quickly to anyone who has ever done or read research on pretty much anything related at all to men and women (or heck even anyone who is able to think critically). At first, he makes it clear that he is talking about sexual essence, but then later he extrapolates further to just feminine and masculine.
He also clearly thinks that the feminine energy is always the more vulnerable and is always on the receiving end of wrong behaviour (i.e. affairs). And he never addressed that a person can be all the energies at different times and still be successful in and out of the bedroom. You could generally be a "hot feminine energy" most of the time but that doesn't mean in the appropriate situation you can't be a "cool" one. That is assuming you buy into his divisive mindset at all. There is so much more to a successful relationship than just having polarity in your sexual essences! Would a very masculine male want to be in a relationship with a very feminine woman who would cheat, steal, be emotionally unstable? Doubtful, but according to Deida a masculine energy can be strong enough to change this behaviour... yeah nice try!
I think many people want to believe his opinion and so they accept what rings true and ignore all the other crap (sorry to use that word, but that's the cleaner version). It is so easy to accept information that is already believed to be true and ignore the rest that doesn't fit with their way of thinking. Near the end of the book he starts to discuss basically chakra work, but he has just written the cliff note version at best.
I would never recommend this book of less than pop-psychology. It goes against the hundreds of studies that are out there...so who is buying this book? Is it just people wanting to adhere to or return to the traditional gender roles of the 50s??
July 2, 2012
The core book in the teachings of David Deida. The book that stopped me in my tracks over and over again. They are very short chapters, but each 2-3 page chapter would usually take me about a week to digest. I read this for 2 years over and over again until I finally met David Deida. Let me tell you something: You can read this book for 10 years, and I guarantee you will get a hell of a lot from it doing that, but 3 days in a workshop with David was worth 2 years of reading his book. At least.
So this review tells you how it affected me, but not what it's about... But the title says it all, so you don't need an explanation of the contents, what you need is to understand whether it's worth your time. I can't imagine it NOT being worth your time. I have given this book to countless men. My children have all read it, and given copies to their friends. Women read it and then give a copy to their husband, HOPING he reads it and GETS it.
Let's put it this way: David GETS men and women. And I didn't take anything he said on face value. NOT A PIECE OF IT. I tested it ALL. And there are few times when his insights into the Masculine working the Feminine is wrong.
This is THE book for men. Period.
But let me warn you. I've given this to a lot of men who have loved it, and their lives have changed dramatically... but I've given it to a lot of men who have discarded it and return to the couch. Its challenging. But I love that about it.
So this review tells you how it affected me, but not what it's about... But the title says it all, so you don't need an explanation of the contents, what you need is to understand whether it's worth your time. I can't imagine it NOT being worth your time. I have given this book to countless men. My children have all read it, and given copies to their friends. Women read it and then give a copy to their husband, HOPING he reads it and GETS it.
Let's put it this way: David GETS men and women. And I didn't take anything he said on face value. NOT A PIECE OF IT. I tested it ALL. And there are few times when his insights into the Masculine working the Feminine is wrong.
This is THE book for men. Period.
But let me warn you. I've given this to a lot of men who have loved it, and their lives have changed dramatically... but I've given it to a lot of men who have discarded it and return to the couch. Its challenging. But I love that about it.
March 13, 2015
If I could give this book negative stars, I would. What a piece of misogynist garbage. I managed to make it through the whole book, but if I had to hear a girlfriend or wife referred to as "your woman" one more time...
Also, women don't want to be "ravished," for God's sake! I think one of my favorite lines from the book was, "When was the last time you really ravished your woman? Or has it been so long that you are fascinated and even turned on by rape scenes on TV?" Are you kidding me?! This can't be real, right?
Honestly, how does this book have such good reviews? It makes me sad for men and women everywhere.
Also, women don't want to be "ravished," for God's sake! I think one of my favorite lines from the book was, "When was the last time you really ravished your woman? Or has it been so long that you are fascinated and even turned on by rape scenes on TV?" Are you kidding me?! This can't be real, right?
Honestly, how does this book have such good reviews? It makes me sad for men and women everywhere.
January 8, 2013
If you feel drawn to this book, read this book.
If you're curious about this book, read this book.
If you strongly dislike charismatic people and are slightly jealous that one man can summon so much energy through his research to write a book that doesn't degrade women, focuses on a man finding his passion, discusses the natural polarity of relationships and cuts to the core of one's self definition of manhood - then maybe this book would be more your style: The Game
This is a book for a man (or a female, in my case, as I love men) to reflect on their purpose, point of presence and goals in life. The structure of the book is more of a meditative process than a linear textbook teaching. Within the pages, no annoying "case studies" of how Jenny and Jeff did what he suggested and became better people await you. This book invites you to be masculine, heart centered and awake in the world. I have a deeper understanding of the type of man I want in my life and how to respect them, and myself, more.
There are many authors out there that write on the message presented on the book.
Good for them.
Read this book.
If you're curious about this book, read this book.
If you strongly dislike charismatic people and are slightly jealous that one man can summon so much energy through his research to write a book that doesn't degrade women, focuses on a man finding his passion, discusses the natural polarity of relationships and cuts to the core of one's self definition of manhood - then maybe this book would be more your style: The Game
This is a book for a man (or a female, in my case, as I love men) to reflect on their purpose, point of presence and goals in life. The structure of the book is more of a meditative process than a linear textbook teaching. Within the pages, no annoying "case studies" of how Jenny and Jeff did what he suggested and became better people await you. This book invites you to be masculine, heart centered and awake in the world. I have a deeper understanding of the type of man I want in my life and how to respect them, and myself, more.
There are many authors out there that write on the message presented on the book.
Good for them.
Read this book.
April 20, 2009
Typical, new age bunk. Takes a truth from the Bible (gender roles) and harps on it like there was no other point to life (there is). Obsessed with sex. What a waste of paper. No real inventive thought here at all.
January 8, 2013
I actually had to stop reading the Book The Way of the Superior Man after reading about 1/3 of it. I found his writing to be extremely Chauvinistic bordering on a complete dislike and disrespect of women. (misogyny) It seemed like I was reading something from the 1940's to 50's from his views of how a man should be in life or act?? His way of thinking of how couples and what a Man is in particular should live his life are not suited to me. I Believe strongly in masculinity, but I also believe that a strong man is one that is not afraid of showing his soft side or expressing true feelings. It takes strength to be a real feeling person when so many obstacles are put in our path to hide our softer emotions. Maybe he changes farther on in the book? I was unable to keep reading due to his Message and how he wrote it. (He actually said that A Man's Purpose in life was more important than his relationship with his partner/ wife) That bothered me quite a bit!
January 23, 2012
Every now and then I read a book that makes me go "where the hell has this book been my entire life". In “The Way of the Superior Man”, David Deida provided the best relationship advice I’ve read since Bertrand Russell’s’ “Marriage and Morals” or “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel, the best advice on male sexuality since Mantak Chia’s “The Multi-Orgasmic Man”, and not since Viktor E. Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” has a book made me “check” myself and reevaluate my actions more.
Although the title of this book had me thinking that it was one to advocate autocratic behavior or male domination, David Deida’s appeal for the Superior Man is one that takes a stance against being a mediocre man; an appeal for responsibility and understanding in place of laziness and chaos. Deida understands of the masculine and feminine essence and temperament is unparalleled in anything that I’ve ever read and I’d go as far as to say that “The Way of the Superior Man” is a book that every man should read at least once in their life time.
In this book, David Deida is unapologetic in his approach on male/female relations and after hearing his profound relationship advice, I was left thinking “Doink! That’s why I’ve been falling flat on my face all these years”. “The Way of the Superior Man” is packed with sound advice, but I must say that I’ve extracted the most value from the sections where he informed men to feed from feminine energy and, for a lack of a better word, “use” the women in their lives as a guide to determine whether or not you’re living life to the fullest of your capabilities.
I’m glad that I had the opportunity to read this gem, which was recommended to me by a good friend – who, surprisingly, is a woman. Thanks a lot, Dayna. 5 Stars.
Although the title of this book had me thinking that it was one to advocate autocratic behavior or male domination, David Deida’s appeal for the Superior Man is one that takes a stance against being a mediocre man; an appeal for responsibility and understanding in place of laziness and chaos. Deida understands of the masculine and feminine essence and temperament is unparalleled in anything that I’ve ever read and I’d go as far as to say that “The Way of the Superior Man” is a book that every man should read at least once in their life time.
In this book, David Deida is unapologetic in his approach on male/female relations and after hearing his profound relationship advice, I was left thinking “Doink! That’s why I’ve been falling flat on my face all these years”. “The Way of the Superior Man” is packed with sound advice, but I must say that I’ve extracted the most value from the sections where he informed men to feed from feminine energy and, for a lack of a better word, “use” the women in their lives as a guide to determine whether or not you’re living life to the fullest of your capabilities.
I’m glad that I had the opportunity to read this gem, which was recommended to me by a good friend – who, surprisingly, is a woman. Thanks a lot, Dayna. 5 Stars.
January 5, 2009
Wow. So this is a very controversial book. It was introduced to me by a friend of mine just going through a divorce, and feeling like he'd suppressed his masculine side for 20 years (of which I actually witnessed the final few years). It wasn't that he was emasculated by his wife so much as he was willing to bury a part of him resulting in him not exploring his full potential, and living a life true to his nature. He was living this book like a paint-by-numbers guidebook. BUT... it was working (for him). I hadn't read it, but my superficial take was that it was a little too... well... tidy. Too placebic (that a word? should be ;-) So I actually circulated it to several strong women I know. You know, a sort of acid test to those women who I felt would be most sensitive to a message of "be a better man by embracing the masculine." Their first superficial reaction was as expected-- umbrage, and even outrage. But then, slowly, as they digested it, and the message percolated, they kinda universally (and separately, I might add) *liked* the idea of a man being a man. That is, a masculine man being a masculine man, and learning how to treat a woman as a feminine entity. I was kinda shocked. So I read it. While no book can be a panacea for anything, there are some good lessons for us confused post-women's-lib men who sometimes get confused about when to open a door for a women and when to ensure they get equal pay. (Badly kept secret: they want both!)
January 19, 2015
What a horrible book.
There were 5 moments during my reading of this book where I considered stopping. However, it was a short book and I feel that a book should be read entirely to justify a review.
The author sounds like a pubescent teen who is obsessed with sex. He tries to be direct and brash by using vulgar language and I find that immature.
There are some truths in this book but I feel the author read a whole bunch of books on spirituality and is reproducing them here with horrendous delivery.
You can find the same nuggets of wisdom in other books such as "The shadow effect", "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps" and "The power of now". These books address their subjects with maturity and I found them to be a lot more insightful.
I really did not enjoy this book at all and would rate it -1 if I could. I am shocked that it got such a high rating.
There were 5 moments during my reading of this book where I considered stopping. However, it was a short book and I feel that a book should be read entirely to justify a review.
The author sounds like a pubescent teen who is obsessed with sex. He tries to be direct and brash by using vulgar language and I find that immature.
There are some truths in this book but I feel the author read a whole bunch of books on spirituality and is reproducing them here with horrendous delivery.
You can find the same nuggets of wisdom in other books such as "The shadow effect", "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps" and "The power of now". These books address their subjects with maturity and I found them to be a lot more insightful.
I really did not enjoy this book at all and would rate it -1 if I could. I am shocked that it got such a high rating.
September 19, 2010
Stop hoping for a completion of anything in Life:
most men make the error of thinking that one day it will be done.
Do what you love to do, what you are waiting to do, what you've been born to do, NOW.
Live with an open heart even if it hurts
A free man is free to acknowledge his fears, without hiding them, or hiding from them.Live with your lips pressed against your fear, kissing your fears, neither pulling back nor aggressively violating them.
Never change your mind just to please a woman: you should always listen to your woman, and then make your own decision.
Your purpose must come before your relationship: your mission is your priority.
Lean just beyond your edge: own your fear, and lean just beyond it, in every aspect of your life, starting now.
Do it for love:there is no essential difference between entering your woman's feminine heart and entering fully into the world. Both forms of intercourse, sexual and worldly, require sensitivity, spontaneity, and a strong connection to deep truth in order to penetrate chaos and closure in a way that love prevails.
If you don't know your purpose, discover it, NOW: without a conscious life-purpose a man is totally lost, drifting, adapting to events rather than creating events. The superior man is not seeking fulfillment through work and woman, because he is already full. for him, work and intimacy are opportunities to give his gifts.
Be willing to change everything in your life:
...you will experience layer after layer of purposes, each one getting closer and closer to the fullness of your deepest purpose. as you dissolve each layer and move toward the center, you will more and more be living from your deeper purposes.
Don't use your family as an excuse
Dont' get lost in tasks and duties
Stop hoping for your woman to get easier: a woman will always test her man for the pleasure of feeling his strength in loving, his capacity to transcend nuisance, his persistence in his own truth, and his capacity to share the truth in love with her, even when she is complaining, especially when she is complaining.
The truth of the feminine is whatever she is really feeling, in this present moment.
Praise your woman
Instead of tolerating your woman's moods of closure and complaint, open her moods with your skillful loving.
Don't analyze your woman: 90% of a woman's emotional problems stem from feeling unloved
Don't suggest that a woman fix her own emotional problem: one of the deepest feminine desires in intimacy is to be able to relax and surrender, knowing that her man is taking care of everything. a happy woman is a woman relaxed in her body and heart: powerful, unpredictable, deep, potentially wild and destructive, or calm and serene, but always full of life. the best way you can serve your woman is by helping her to surrender, to trust the force of love, so that she can open her heart, be the love that she is, and give this love which naturally overflows from her happiness.
Stay with her intensity, to a point. Keep your breath full. keep your body strong. keep your attention present. no matter what your woman says and does, give her love.
Don't force the feminine to make decisions: you need to play the masculine pole if you want your woman to play the feminine. always help your woman make decisions by giving her your perspective and telling her your choices, while letting her know that you love her regardless of the decision she makes.
Your attraction to the feminine is inevitable. if you feel uncomfortable with your attraction to women, you are probably uncomfortable with your own masculine essence. Any negative attitude you have about your attraction to women is a sigh of fear; somewhere along the line you learned that such attraction was bad or evil. your attraction to women, all kinds of women, is natural, normal and beautiful. in fact, it is an aspect of the same desire that will ultimately lead you toward spiritual freedom.
Chose a woman who i your complementary opposite: you will only be happy in intimacy if you choose a woman who is your sexual reciprocal as a partner. and you will only be able to survive such an intimacy if her dark and light sides are equally embraceable to you.
.....
most men make the error of thinking that one day it will be done.
Do what you love to do, what you are waiting to do, what you've been born to do, NOW.
Live with an open heart even if it hurts
A free man is free to acknowledge his fears, without hiding them, or hiding from them.Live with your lips pressed against your fear, kissing your fears, neither pulling back nor aggressively violating them.
Never change your mind just to please a woman: you should always listen to your woman, and then make your own decision.
Your purpose must come before your relationship: your mission is your priority.
Lean just beyond your edge: own your fear, and lean just beyond it, in every aspect of your life, starting now.
Do it for love:there is no essential difference between entering your woman's feminine heart and entering fully into the world. Both forms of intercourse, sexual and worldly, require sensitivity, spontaneity, and a strong connection to deep truth in order to penetrate chaos and closure in a way that love prevails.
If you don't know your purpose, discover it, NOW: without a conscious life-purpose a man is totally lost, drifting, adapting to events rather than creating events. The superior man is not seeking fulfillment through work and woman, because he is already full. for him, work and intimacy are opportunities to give his gifts.
Be willing to change everything in your life:
...you will experience layer after layer of purposes, each one getting closer and closer to the fullness of your deepest purpose. as you dissolve each layer and move toward the center, you will more and more be living from your deeper purposes.
Don't use your family as an excuse
Dont' get lost in tasks and duties
Stop hoping for your woman to get easier: a woman will always test her man for the pleasure of feeling his strength in loving, his capacity to transcend nuisance, his persistence in his own truth, and his capacity to share the truth in love with her, even when she is complaining, especially when she is complaining.
The truth of the feminine is whatever she is really feeling, in this present moment.
Praise your woman
Instead of tolerating your woman's moods of closure and complaint, open her moods with your skillful loving.
Don't analyze your woman: 90% of a woman's emotional problems stem from feeling unloved
Don't suggest that a woman fix her own emotional problem: one of the deepest feminine desires in intimacy is to be able to relax and surrender, knowing that her man is taking care of everything. a happy woman is a woman relaxed in her body and heart: powerful, unpredictable, deep, potentially wild and destructive, or calm and serene, but always full of life. the best way you can serve your woman is by helping her to surrender, to trust the force of love, so that she can open her heart, be the love that she is, and give this love which naturally overflows from her happiness.
Stay with her intensity, to a point. Keep your breath full. keep your body strong. keep your attention present. no matter what your woman says and does, give her love.
Don't force the feminine to make decisions: you need to play the masculine pole if you want your woman to play the feminine. always help your woman make decisions by giving her your perspective and telling her your choices, while letting her know that you love her regardless of the decision she makes.
Your attraction to the feminine is inevitable. if you feel uncomfortable with your attraction to women, you are probably uncomfortable with your own masculine essence. Any negative attitude you have about your attraction to women is a sigh of fear; somewhere along the line you learned that such attraction was bad or evil. your attraction to women, all kinds of women, is natural, normal and beautiful. in fact, it is an aspect of the same desire that will ultimately lead you toward spiritual freedom.
Chose a woman who i your complementary opposite: you will only be happy in intimacy if you choose a woman who is your sexual reciprocal as a partner. and you will only be able to survive such an intimacy if her dark and light sides are equally embraceable to you.
.....
June 5, 2019
"He must feel his desire without suppression, and then feel through his desire into the source-energy of desire. He must feel through her beauty, into the very delight of which her beauty is a but a ripple and reminder."
Uhmm okay? This line is just one of many that represent what most of this book is - pure garble. David Deida tries too hard to sound deep and philosophical, but if you really use your brain and dig deep you'll find that most of it is just nonsense.
This book was a hard read, but I had to endure it to the end to give it a fair rating. I learned almost nothing from this book, except that horny men are sheep who will buy into anything sex-related and make books like these their Bible. It's misogynistic, presumptious, and obscure.
If you haven't read it yet, here's an actual quote from it to show you what you're "missing" - "Some women are hotter, some are cooler. In general, blonde, light-skinned, Japanese, and Chinese women are cooler. Dark skinned , brunette, red-headed, Korean, and Polynesian women are hotter." Yeah, thanks for providing us with relevant statistics too, Mr. Deida.
Uhmm okay? This line is just one of many that represent what most of this book is - pure garble. David Deida tries too hard to sound deep and philosophical, but if you really use your brain and dig deep you'll find that most of it is just nonsense.
This book was a hard read, but I had to endure it to the end to give it a fair rating. I learned almost nothing from this book, except that horny men are sheep who will buy into anything sex-related and make books like these their Bible. It's misogynistic, presumptious, and obscure.
If you haven't read it yet, here's an actual quote from it to show you what you're "missing" - "Some women are hotter, some are cooler. In general, blonde, light-skinned, Japanese, and Chinese women are cooler. Dark skinned , brunette, red-headed, Korean, and Polynesian women are hotter." Yeah, thanks for providing us with relevant statistics too, Mr. Deida.
July 27, 2013
As a professional spiritual counselor and sex educator, this book has been on my "to read" list for years, but it wasn't until a client mentioned it to me recently that I went from idly flipping through it to reading and absorbing it.
As a strong, independent woman, I initially scoffed at it, but upon deeper examination I think this book offers a profound challenge to the man who reads it if he's willing to take the philosophy on. The first common misconception seems to be that Deida is calling for a return to 1950's stereotypes of traditional male and female roles when nothing could be further from the truth. What he's talking about is masculine and feminine energy and polarizing them in relationship for the purpose of bringing out the best in both partners. The gauntlet he throws down is an invitation for the man reading to take responsibility for his purpose and direction in life and to open himself fully to love, neither blaming nor resisting the inherent fluid, intuitive nature of "his woman".
One of the key points he hits on, which partially answers the age old question of "What do women really want?" is the issue of TRUST. A crucial and irreplaceable part of any relationship, and I think, particularly key to understanding women, period. I loved that he embraced the idea that women not only continue to test their men, but that in doing so they are assisting in awakening them to stay on point with their own purpose. Brilliant.
All this being said, I still have to say I had many eye-rolling moments while reading. i.e.: The idea that the sexiest woman in any given room is the one who is the most "bonkers", prone to lying and changing her mind every time the wind blows. Or that the way to get a woman to open up to her true loving nature is to lick her face in the middle of a fight. Or that the man is responsible for the direction of growth in the relationship while the woman is responsible for the man's erection... Oh. my.
Yes, this book is controversial; deliberately and cleverly so. Can every man live his life this boldly and unapologetically? Will this philosophy work for every relationship? No and no. But I can see the attraction of the book and the philosophy for both sexes. What I would suggest is that any man who wishes to base his relationship on Deida's ideals, that that man should also buy a copy of the book to hand out to his partner and then immediately get into counseling with someone who also understands and can work with him and/or support the couple in this vision.
This ain't the philosophy of the '50's he's purporting here, kids. It's a whole bold, brave new world of mature, responsible, conscious men and as just five minutes of flipping through today's news headlines will tell you, never has this world needed it more!
As a strong, independent woman, I initially scoffed at it, but upon deeper examination I think this book offers a profound challenge to the man who reads it if he's willing to take the philosophy on. The first common misconception seems to be that Deida is calling for a return to 1950's stereotypes of traditional male and female roles when nothing could be further from the truth. What he's talking about is masculine and feminine energy and polarizing them in relationship for the purpose of bringing out the best in both partners. The gauntlet he throws down is an invitation for the man reading to take responsibility for his purpose and direction in life and to open himself fully to love, neither blaming nor resisting the inherent fluid, intuitive nature of "his woman".
One of the key points he hits on, which partially answers the age old question of "What do women really want?" is the issue of TRUST. A crucial and irreplaceable part of any relationship, and I think, particularly key to understanding women, period. I loved that he embraced the idea that women not only continue to test their men, but that in doing so they are assisting in awakening them to stay on point with their own purpose. Brilliant.
All this being said, I still have to say I had many eye-rolling moments while reading. i.e.: The idea that the sexiest woman in any given room is the one who is the most "bonkers", prone to lying and changing her mind every time the wind blows. Or that the way to get a woman to open up to her true loving nature is to lick her face in the middle of a fight. Or that the man is responsible for the direction of growth in the relationship while the woman is responsible for the man's erection... Oh. my.
Yes, this book is controversial; deliberately and cleverly so. Can every man live his life this boldly and unapologetically? Will this philosophy work for every relationship? No and no. But I can see the attraction of the book and the philosophy for both sexes. What I would suggest is that any man who wishes to base his relationship on Deida's ideals, that that man should also buy a copy of the book to hand out to his partner and then immediately get into counseling with someone who also understands and can work with him and/or support the couple in this vision.
This ain't the philosophy of the '50's he's purporting here, kids. It's a whole bold, brave new world of mature, responsible, conscious men and as just five minutes of flipping through today's news headlines will tell you, never has this world needed it more!
March 22, 2015
It's politically incorrect. It's sexist. It's gender essentialist. It's woo. It's silly. It's sanctimonious. It makes unjustified generalizations. It's demeaning to both women and men. It's unsupported by scientific evidence.
However.
There are grains of truth. At the very least, Deida is offering a new set of models to work from, where our existing models are inadequate. Models which, for many couples, probably come close enough to the truth to be useful. Many men really are primarily driven by their Purpose. Many women really do prioritize their relationship above all else. For couples like this, when the man is not true to his purpose the woman senses this and loses trust in him. She may not be consciously aware of it, but she will be upset, and in this case it really is the man's fault, and arguably his responsibility to remedy the situation.
The way I understand it, personalities vary along several axes, and some of these have some correlation to gender. The differences in how one takes a person's track record or reputation into account, e.g.: Deida says men more strongly consider someone's reputation and are more willing to let a minor transgression slide, while women will judge solely based on someone's most recent behavior. I'd guess that this is largely true. It explains why those with this personality trait might love and stay with an abusive partner who runs hot and cold. Crucially, before reading WotSM I've thought it unfair when harshly judged by my partner for small mistakes; now I understand that my partner was someone who only takes recent actions into account.
The key to making use of the kind of advice in this book is to remember that we are in relationships with individuals, not archetypes. "Women" behave in this way, but this particular woman behaves that way, and it's more important to know and understand the latter than the former. Relationships are subtle and complex, and their dynamics depend on personalities and circumstances and unchangeable human nature in mostly unpredictable ways. Build a better model of yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and you'll do better navigating these waters.
However.
There are grains of truth. At the very least, Deida is offering a new set of models to work from, where our existing models are inadequate. Models which, for many couples, probably come close enough to the truth to be useful. Many men really are primarily driven by their Purpose. Many women really do prioritize their relationship above all else. For couples like this, when the man is not true to his purpose the woman senses this and loses trust in him. She may not be consciously aware of it, but she will be upset, and in this case it really is the man's fault, and arguably his responsibility to remedy the situation.
The way I understand it, personalities vary along several axes, and some of these have some correlation to gender. The differences in how one takes a person's track record or reputation into account, e.g.: Deida says men more strongly consider someone's reputation and are more willing to let a minor transgression slide, while women will judge solely based on someone's most recent behavior. I'd guess that this is largely true. It explains why those with this personality trait might love and stay with an abusive partner who runs hot and cold. Crucially, before reading WotSM I've thought it unfair when harshly judged by my partner for small mistakes; now I understand that my partner was someone who only takes recent actions into account.
The key to making use of the kind of advice in this book is to remember that we are in relationships with individuals, not archetypes. "Women" behave in this way, but this particular woman behaves that way, and it's more important to know and understand the latter than the former. Relationships are subtle and complex, and their dynamics depend on personalities and circumstances and unchangeable human nature in mostly unpredictable ways. Build a better model of yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and you'll do better navigating these waters.
February 18, 2021
Well, I guess this is it:
I have no more excuses for anything in life.
I have no more excuses for anything in life.
February 1, 2021
Oh my fucking god.
Oh Jesus.
This can't be real.
Got this book as a gift from a supplier. Read it for shits and giggles in a sitting. This has to be a joke. There is no way this book isn't satire. I enjoy sexism in comedy. I make sexist jokes to my fiance. I have to be more careful with sexism now as this book, and it's many positive reviews, have made me realize that actual people think it's OK to write, and think, about women the way this imbecile of an author does. It's disgusting and awful. With no nuance whatsoever, this fucking cum sock of a human being describes women as helpless children who (sometimes willingly, sometimes not--he can't seem to decide) are out to destroy a man's life if he doesn't learn to keep them on an emotional leash. He writes about women's duty to be their personal cum dumpster, wants to be congratulated for not raping his babysitter (it gets really rapey), and rationalizes (poorly (seriously, no nuance)) how it's fine to blame a woman for his shortcomings.
Men: Please, don't read this book. If you do or already have that's fine, just do, think, and feel the exact opposite of what the author preaches.
Women: I'm sorry that men like this author exist.
Everyone: Smarten up.
Mr. Deida: I hope you learn the error of your ways. Perhaps there's a book out there for you or maybe a good therapist.
Oh Jesus.
This can't be real.
Got this book as a gift from a supplier. Read it for shits and giggles in a sitting. This has to be a joke. There is no way this book isn't satire. I enjoy sexism in comedy. I make sexist jokes to my fiance. I have to be more careful with sexism now as this book, and it's many positive reviews, have made me realize that actual people think it's OK to write, and think, about women the way this imbecile of an author does. It's disgusting and awful. With no nuance whatsoever, this fucking cum sock of a human being describes women as helpless children who (sometimes willingly, sometimes not--he can't seem to decide) are out to destroy a man's life if he doesn't learn to keep them on an emotional leash. He writes about women's duty to be their personal cum dumpster, wants to be congratulated for not raping his babysitter (it gets really rapey), and rationalizes (poorly (seriously, no nuance)) how it's fine to blame a woman for his shortcomings.
Men: Please, don't read this book. If you do or already have that's fine, just do, think, and feel the exact opposite of what the author preaches.
Women: I'm sorry that men like this author exist.
Everyone: Smarten up.
Mr. Deida: I hope you learn the error of your ways. Perhaps there's a book out there for you or maybe a good therapist.
April 22, 2008
This book is for any guy who has ever tried in vain to understand women. And for any woman who is interested in how men and women complement, and therefore frustrate, each other. I have never felt so explained before, in a way that I could never have done myself.
At times a bit condescending, and there was some profanity I thought unnecessary, but overall an incredible book.
At times a bit condescending, and there was some profanity I thought unnecessary, but overall an incredible book.
July 5, 2012
This book has a few little nuggets of truth about some women and how to react to them from a male perspective. Which is great and valuable and I don't want to undermine that the author does come through with a couple points that could potentially really aid in the understanding between two people in a relationship. However, I don't think that small amount of value derived from reading this is worth the large amount of unhelpful, if not harmful, misinformation that also come through in the writing. My main issues with this book were that I feel like the author was leaning substantially on outdated gender stereotypes. I also take issue with the author's constant and continual insistence on creating the illusion that women have "magic" powers or "energies". The final thing I thought was problematic was the title itself, he continues throughout the book to describe the "superior man" and his ideal set of behaviors, to assume that this one way of life or this one path makes one man superior over another is absurd.
Deida continually uses broad sweeping generalizations about gender roles and basically uses this as the backbone of the entire book. He does try to neutralize that he is doing this by saying that some people have a blend of feminine and masculine. But after that completely reverts back to a point of view of writing about a people as if they were all purely masculine or purely feminine. He even goes so far as to state that people that were in relationships without the perfect "balance" of masculine and feminine were doomed to sexual frustration, misunderstanding and eventual failure. I found it very limiting that the sliding scale of human gender and sexuality was very nearly ignored and when it was mentioned it was handled as an extreme outlier. I for one consider myself to be very feminine but according to Deida I have a masculine tendency towards logic, rationality, and career goals. Which means my loving relationship with my masculine boyfriend is out of balance and not working.
This book is supercharged with spirituality and I knew that going in. I wasn't expecting the avalanche of mystical terminology/ideology surrounding the topic and description of women. This man very nearly turns women into the gods of his own religion with this book. They have spiritual essence, they have magic energies that heal and refresh men's spirits, they also are conspiring to make you a stronger man by challenging you, by asking you to clean the garage they are testing your strength and resilience as a "superior man" and are secretly trying to push you forward on your "life mission". Now I'm not saying I don't understand why he did this. He very effectively uses women as a tool to engage his male readers to comply with his prescribed set of actions that supposedly make him a superior man. I do not however think the ends justify the means. There are two ways to dehumanize someone one is to degrade them the other is to idolize them. Women are not depicted as fully realized human beings with their own motivation and desires in this book. They are merely vehicles of male satisfaction and exist mostly to encourage and test a man along his "mission". This is problematic enough in media with characters but to treat women this way in such a general way is concerning.
Trigger warning: Rape
The Author claims that the difference between ravishing a sexual partner and raping someone is love. This is a dangerous and offensive thing to teach people. The real difference is CONSENT. Consent is the only ingredient in a sex act that makes it not rape.
Deida continually uses broad sweeping generalizations about gender roles and basically uses this as the backbone of the entire book. He does try to neutralize that he is doing this by saying that some people have a blend of feminine and masculine. But after that completely reverts back to a point of view of writing about a people as if they were all purely masculine or purely feminine. He even goes so far as to state that people that were in relationships without the perfect "balance" of masculine and feminine were doomed to sexual frustration, misunderstanding and eventual failure. I found it very limiting that the sliding scale of human gender and sexuality was very nearly ignored and when it was mentioned it was handled as an extreme outlier. I for one consider myself to be very feminine but according to Deida I have a masculine tendency towards logic, rationality, and career goals. Which means my loving relationship with my masculine boyfriend is out of balance and not working.
This book is supercharged with spirituality and I knew that going in. I wasn't expecting the avalanche of mystical terminology/ideology surrounding the topic and description of women. This man very nearly turns women into the gods of his own religion with this book. They have spiritual essence, they have magic energies that heal and refresh men's spirits, they also are conspiring to make you a stronger man by challenging you, by asking you to clean the garage they are testing your strength and resilience as a "superior man" and are secretly trying to push you forward on your "life mission". Now I'm not saying I don't understand why he did this. He very effectively uses women as a tool to engage his male readers to comply with his prescribed set of actions that supposedly make him a superior man. I do not however think the ends justify the means. There are two ways to dehumanize someone one is to degrade them the other is to idolize them. Women are not depicted as fully realized human beings with their own motivation and desires in this book. They are merely vehicles of male satisfaction and exist mostly to encourage and test a man along his "mission". This is problematic enough in media with characters but to treat women this way in such a general way is concerning.
Trigger warning: Rape
The Author claims that the difference between ravishing a sexual partner and raping someone is love. This is a dangerous and offensive thing to teach people. The real difference is CONSENT. Consent is the only ingredient in a sex act that makes it not rape.
December 13, 2020
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I have never hated a book or author so much. I hate-read this book and genuinely want to understand why it makes me so angry.
==================================
so actually when I first read it I did take some hate-read notes. I've elaborated on these:
==========================================
My general experience of books on masculinity is that they are focused on sexually active men, and that the key conflict is between them being able to chill out / settle down / be loving and mature, or continue to have immature relationships. Or in Jung, it's about whether they go from from having homosexual relationships of youth to adult hetero relationships. One book [written by a therapist who supposedly specialized in masculinity, though in the 80s] was pretty cruel and briefly mentioned losers who weren't able to have relationships at all, and then moved on. I did find that Jung was quite compassionate of his patients. So I look at these books for an understanding of maleness and masculinity and so far none have them have covered anything close to my experience other than to dismiss it. It seems like they are trying to help someone very different from me.
Allright, I'm just going to quote "The Way of The Superior Man" Introduction .
>>>This book is a guide for a specific kind of newly evolving man. This man is unabashedly masculine—he is purposeful, confident, and directed, living his chosen way of life with deep integrity and humor—and he is sensitive, spontaneous, and spiritually alive, with a heart-commitment to discovering and living his deepest
truth.
>>>This kind of man is totally turned on by the feminine. He loves to take his woman sexually, to ravish her, but not in some old-style macho fashion. Rather, he wants to ravish her with so much love she is vanished, they both vanish, in the fullness of
loving itself. He is dedicated to incarnating love on this earth, through his work and his sexuality, and he does so as a free man, bound neither by outer convention nor inner cowardice.
Yeah, ok, sounds like this book is not meant for me, I do not have access to those feelings. Maybe I should check out the book 'the way of the inferior man?' Actually, why do some dating coaches websites say similar stuff --- I can't imagine thinking that you are totally superior and the best and also that you need help at the same time. Is this supposed to make me feel better or is it an advertisement to well-established men? Or is he overinflating the ego of the reader and other dudes just eat this shit up? Is this made for those guys on reddit that say that men never get compliments? Ok, I'm getting a little off base here and actually farther from my issues with this.
In the first two paragraphs who completely describes the paragon of masculinity that I compare myself to and find myself lacking [in some ways] and says that this is the book for him.
Rereading again --- purposeful, confident, directed, deep integrity, humor, sensitive, spontaneous, spiritually alive, tryign to live his deepest truth. Ok, actually I'm pretty down with that. My objection here is more that he calls this "unabashedly masculine". lol whatever dude. Those are good qualities though.
Ok, second paragraph slower. Is this like... the male equivalent of the always-sexually-available-female? Like to read this book you should be the type of guy who has an instant hard on any time he sees a woman? I could write more about my personal relationship with this paragraph but will not.
Continuing
>>>This newly evolving man is not a scared bully, posturing like some King Kong in charge of the universe. Nor is he a new age wimp, all spineless, smiley, and starry-eyed. He has embraced both his inner masculine and feminine, and he no longer holds onto either of them. He doesn't need to be right all the time, nor does he need to be always safe, cooperative, and sharing, like an androgynous Mr. Nice Guy. He simply lives from his deepest core, fearlessly giving his gifts, feeling through the fleeting moment into the openness of existence, totally committed to magnifying love.
Oh yep, there it is! The wimp!
I'm not so worried that he is going to be pushing down, but more that he has no empathy or understanding for what this type of person might be like.
>>>To help illuminate the purpose of The Way of the Superior Man, I will draw on a few principles of sexuality and spiritual growth which are developed in my book Intimate Communion.+ Until fairly recently, modern roles for men and women were fixed and separated. Men were supposed to go out and earn money. Women were supposed to stay home and take care of the kids. Men often manipulated their women through physical and financial dominance and threat. Women often manipulated their men through emotional and sexual strokes and stabs. The typical and extreme caricatures of this previous time are the macho jerk and the submissive housewife. If you are reading this book, you have probably outgrown this first stage of sexual identity. Or at least you can smile about it.
I'm not sure what to say about this, I guess it's more clear that this is not a book for me, and it seems like this guy is pretty messed up. Or he's not the guy to learn from for "how to go through the first stage without being a manipulative sex obsessed dude"
I feel pretty smug about my prediction that books of masculinity assume men already are able to form relationships. I also really dislike the idea that men all go through a manipulative jerk phase.
Like, if I'm unwilling to do this, am I screwed? I know that I'm not but bleargh.
>>>It is time to evolve beyond the macho jerk ideal, all spine and no heart. It is also time to evolve beyond the sensitive and caring wimp ideal, all heart and no spine. Heart and spine must be united in a single man, and then gone beyond in the fullest expression of love and consciousness possible, which requires a deep relaxation into the infinite openness of this present moment. And this takes a new kind of guts. This is the Way of the Superior Man
Ok, so I guess he is also talking about non-superior men and the book is for them too? Woops I guess he forgot to mention that? Or that he was really speaking to the superior man in all of?
Here's the book I want to read:
"Have you seen the face of God and realized that it was yourself? Have you spent the past 40 years in the desert, coming to the realization that all spiritual beings are one? Have you attained enlightenment? Has your Sun become feminine and your Moon masculine as they eclipsed each other? Have you surrendered to the unknown and been reborn? Are you intimately familiar with both the Tempter and the Temptress? But yet, as much as you are a man in the eye of God, you aren't considered a man in the eyes of man? Read "The Man's Man" to come back to earth! Learn the ways of Societal Masculinity! Infuse the Divine in Normality! etc.
It's for men who have accessed their spiritual divinity and the spiritual feminine, but haven't figured out how to operate in standard masculine roles. So while a normal man might be lacking the wholesomeness of the divine as he learns the masculine role, and then he goes from there to bring the divine back into the unwholesome role he is playing, this book would teach the divine man to go into a role he has never played.
OK on to the 1st chapter!
>>>Do what you love to do,
what you are waiting to do, what you've been born to do, now.
Spend at least one hour a day doing whatever you simply love
to do—what you deeply feel you need to do, in your heart—in
spite of the daily duties that seem to constrain you. However, be
forewarned: you may discover that you don't, or can't, do it; that,
in fact, your fantasy of your future life is simply a fantasy.
I hate this. I don't feel capable of saying any more. I dunno--- maybe i could say 'what a privilege to be so able to deeply access your desires' sounds like it might have flip-side-of-the-coin issues but I am somewhat envious.
Also just in general, this guys writing style really bothers me --- largely that the whole thing is written in the imperative, rather than a more open or neutral way. Imperative seems very dangerous to me and not open to differences of how I might be, or interested. Or just his general usage of 'all men / all women' etc. I've also experienced that people talking in the imperative about feelings seem to be better understood as talking to themselves, and I'm just the medium. Reading further it seems like he has plenty of reasonable advice if I do a translation to my own words. However, it seems to me like the author is perpetuating the idea that a man's value is entirely external, and he's someone missing the ability to 'be'.
Ok, chapter 4 "Know your real edge and don't fake it" is cool, about looking at where you are comfortable and how to think beyond that to find what you are afraid of.
>>>Whereas many women waste precious time swirling in emotional currents and eddies, many men waste their birth seeking the completion of tasks.
Honestly, I feel like the way most books talk about masc/fem, I would probably benefit most from a book written for women about how to get in touch with their masculinity, since I usually identify with the feminine descriptions. Maybe i should read "lean in".
>>>"Admit to yourself that if you had to choose one or the other, the perfect intimate relationship or achieving your highest purpose in life, you would choose to succeed at your purpose. Just this self-knowledge often relieves much pressure a man feels to prioritize his relationship when, in fact, it is not his highest priority.
>>>You mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty...The next time you notice yourself "giving in" to your woman, postponing your mission and denying your true purpose in order to spend time with her, stop. Tell your woman that you lover her, but you cannot deny your heart's purpose. "
This might have made me mad on the first reading, now I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe he's right! But i don't know. Maybe I'm a bit resigned... I mean, a lot of what he says seems aimed at a very particular type of dude, where maybe this could be good advice.
A lot of his advice is good advice / admonishments to listen and trust yourself essentially.
Anyways it's always fun to take statements from new age book out of context so let's do that.
>>>"When a man gives his true gift of sex to his woman, he penetrates and blooms her beyond all limits into love. It is the same with the world." haha
>>>"You have probably noticed yourself in the "do mode". You are totally focused, intent on getting a task done. You don't want to be disturbed. If anyone tries to interrupt you with a question, you ignore them, or give them a quick answer so you can keep on track. This "do mode is very common among men...It's great to be able to plow through obstructions and get the job done. And it's good to keep yourself disciplined and on purpose... Even now, as you read this, you may be in a "do mode," totally esconsed in the process of reading. If you were to die right now, what would be the feeling texture of your last moment? Are you feeling the infinite mystery of existence, so that your last moment would be one of awe and gratitude? Is your heart so wide open that your last moment would dissolve in perfect love? Or, are you so absorbed in some task that you would hardly notice death upon you, until the last instant, whoosh, and everything is gone?"
>>>"When you listen to your woman, listen to her as you would the ocean, or the wind in the leaves. The sounds you hear from her are sounds of the motion of her feeling-energy."
>>>You might ask her, "Do you want to go to the movies?"
She might reply, "Not really."
Then you hug her and spin her around and say, "Let's go to
the movies!"
And she says, " O K ! "
AHHHHHH
I have such a hard time imagining states of mind this makes sense. I guess I can imagine someone being sullen and being playful with them to get them out of their sullenness, but it would be a slower process for me.
>>>If you are like most men, you probably hide the amount of
sexual attraction you feel toward women every day. At work, on
the street, and in the grocery store, you see women that turn you
on. Sometimes you might want to have sex with them. But many
times the feeling is more of a wave of refreshment washing
through you.
Ahhhhhhh --- I think that this guy is actually not in touch with his femininity and looks to women and sex as a way to remove his anxiety and desire for control, which he doesn't realize is anxiety, and is totally confusing how this anxiety is making him successful and productive with wholesome productivity.[ahh, later he talks about how "you"--aka probably him-- wants to feel 'released from constraint and experience the freedom on the other side' and that one way to do this is through orgasm, or sports. Yeaaah, too bad I already feel free!]
On a different note, there might be something I'm missing. Like maybe the beauty of a feminine face is the same as the beauty in nature, and I'm not noticing this. However my associations with natural beauty are that it is awe inspiring, and awe is a mixture of both fear and wonder. I wouldn't exactly call it comforting, though it is attention grabbing, and it does inspire openness and self connection.
He's got chapters on how not to trust what women say, and this is really about being in touch with yourself, that seems fine. I also think that talking about women 'testing' men is not understanding what's going on. I guess I shouldn't assume to have a better model either, but it seems to me, that certain types 'shit tests' are basically small needles or tiny aggressions that come from them defending against the dangers of men who aren't in touch with themselves and prone to tiny aggressions themselves. [often of the kind where the man is feeling somehow weak and using the woman as a crutch]. Despite that, I actually appreciate a lot of what he says around the topic of tests.
Ok, I reread half of it and am not going to go further.
==========================================
I think my personal issues are somehow tied up in my anger towards this. I think there is a way of approaching and engaging with the external world that is often framed in a vaguely unwholesome / aggressive way --- other men tell me to 'be more aggressive' or 'just do it' --- and I find these framworks to be slightly self-punishing or against-self in some way. Or they pretend to ignore certain details and can cause harm on others. And so I reject them out of hand, but my rejection is also against-self in a certain way, and prevents me from expressing myself, engaging with the world, sharing things, and being productive. out of space.
I have never hated a book or author so much. I hate-read this book and genuinely want to understand why it makes me so angry.
==================================
so actually when I first read it I did take some hate-read notes. I've elaborated on these:
==========================================
My general experience of books on masculinity is that they are focused on sexually active men, and that the key conflict is between them being able to chill out / settle down / be loving and mature, or continue to have immature relationships. Or in Jung, it's about whether they go from from having homosexual relationships of youth to adult hetero relationships. One book [written by a therapist who supposedly specialized in masculinity, though in the 80s] was pretty cruel and briefly mentioned losers who weren't able to have relationships at all, and then moved on. I did find that Jung was quite compassionate of his patients. So I look at these books for an understanding of maleness and masculinity and so far none have them have covered anything close to my experience other than to dismiss it. It seems like they are trying to help someone very different from me.
Allright, I'm just going to quote "The Way of The Superior Man" Introduction .
>>>This book is a guide for a specific kind of newly evolving man. This man is unabashedly masculine—he is purposeful, confident, and directed, living his chosen way of life with deep integrity and humor—and he is sensitive, spontaneous, and spiritually alive, with a heart-commitment to discovering and living his deepest
truth.
>>>This kind of man is totally turned on by the feminine. He loves to take his woman sexually, to ravish her, but not in some old-style macho fashion. Rather, he wants to ravish her with so much love she is vanished, they both vanish, in the fullness of
loving itself. He is dedicated to incarnating love on this earth, through his work and his sexuality, and he does so as a free man, bound neither by outer convention nor inner cowardice.
Yeah, ok, sounds like this book is not meant for me, I do not have access to those feelings. Maybe I should check out the book 'the way of the inferior man?' Actually, why do some dating coaches websites say similar stuff --- I can't imagine thinking that you are totally superior and the best and also that you need help at the same time. Is this supposed to make me feel better or is it an advertisement to well-established men? Or is he overinflating the ego of the reader and other dudes just eat this shit up? Is this made for those guys on reddit that say that men never get compliments? Ok, I'm getting a little off base here and actually farther from my issues with this.
In the first two paragraphs who completely describes the paragon of masculinity that I compare myself to and find myself lacking [in some ways] and says that this is the book for him.
Rereading again --- purposeful, confident, directed, deep integrity, humor, sensitive, spontaneous, spiritually alive, tryign to live his deepest truth. Ok, actually I'm pretty down with that. My objection here is more that he calls this "unabashedly masculine". lol whatever dude. Those are good qualities though.
Ok, second paragraph slower. Is this like... the male equivalent of the always-sexually-available-female? Like to read this book you should be the type of guy who has an instant hard on any time he sees a woman? I could write more about my personal relationship with this paragraph but will not.
Continuing
>>>This newly evolving man is not a scared bully, posturing like some King Kong in charge of the universe. Nor is he a new age wimp, all spineless, smiley, and starry-eyed. He has embraced both his inner masculine and feminine, and he no longer holds onto either of them. He doesn't need to be right all the time, nor does he need to be always safe, cooperative, and sharing, like an androgynous Mr. Nice Guy. He simply lives from his deepest core, fearlessly giving his gifts, feeling through the fleeting moment into the openness of existence, totally committed to magnifying love.
Oh yep, there it is! The wimp!
I'm not so worried that he is going to be pushing down, but more that he has no empathy or understanding for what this type of person might be like.
>>>To help illuminate the purpose of The Way of the Superior Man, I will draw on a few principles of sexuality and spiritual growth which are developed in my book Intimate Communion.+ Until fairly recently, modern roles for men and women were fixed and separated. Men were supposed to go out and earn money. Women were supposed to stay home and take care of the kids. Men often manipulated their women through physical and financial dominance and threat. Women often manipulated their men through emotional and sexual strokes and stabs. The typical and extreme caricatures of this previous time are the macho jerk and the submissive housewife. If you are reading this book, you have probably outgrown this first stage of sexual identity. Or at least you can smile about it.
I'm not sure what to say about this, I guess it's more clear that this is not a book for me, and it seems like this guy is pretty messed up. Or he's not the guy to learn from for "how to go through the first stage without being a manipulative sex obsessed dude"
I feel pretty smug about my prediction that books of masculinity assume men already are able to form relationships. I also really dislike the idea that men all go through a manipulative jerk phase.
Like, if I'm unwilling to do this, am I screwed? I know that I'm not but bleargh.
>>>It is time to evolve beyond the macho jerk ideal, all spine and no heart. It is also time to evolve beyond the sensitive and caring wimp ideal, all heart and no spine. Heart and spine must be united in a single man, and then gone beyond in the fullest expression of love and consciousness possible, which requires a deep relaxation into the infinite openness of this present moment. And this takes a new kind of guts. This is the Way of the Superior Man
Ok, so I guess he is also talking about non-superior men and the book is for them too? Woops I guess he forgot to mention that? Or that he was really speaking to the superior man in all of?
Here's the book I want to read:
"Have you seen the face of God and realized that it was yourself? Have you spent the past 40 years in the desert, coming to the realization that all spiritual beings are one? Have you attained enlightenment? Has your Sun become feminine and your Moon masculine as they eclipsed each other? Have you surrendered to the unknown and been reborn? Are you intimately familiar with both the Tempter and the Temptress? But yet, as much as you are a man in the eye of God, you aren't considered a man in the eyes of man? Read "The Man's Man" to come back to earth! Learn the ways of Societal Masculinity! Infuse the Divine in Normality! etc.
It's for men who have accessed their spiritual divinity and the spiritual feminine, but haven't figured out how to operate in standard masculine roles. So while a normal man might be lacking the wholesomeness of the divine as he learns the masculine role, and then he goes from there to bring the divine back into the unwholesome role he is playing, this book would teach the divine man to go into a role he has never played.
OK on to the 1st chapter!
>>>Do what you love to do,
what you are waiting to do, what you've been born to do, now.
Spend at least one hour a day doing whatever you simply love
to do—what you deeply feel you need to do, in your heart—in
spite of the daily duties that seem to constrain you. However, be
forewarned: you may discover that you don't, or can't, do it; that,
in fact, your fantasy of your future life is simply a fantasy.
I hate this. I don't feel capable of saying any more. I dunno--- maybe i could say 'what a privilege to be so able to deeply access your desires' sounds like it might have flip-side-of-the-coin issues but I am somewhat envious.
Also just in general, this guys writing style really bothers me --- largely that the whole thing is written in the imperative, rather than a more open or neutral way. Imperative seems very dangerous to me and not open to differences of how I might be, or interested. Or just his general usage of 'all men / all women' etc. I've also experienced that people talking in the imperative about feelings seem to be better understood as talking to themselves, and I'm just the medium. Reading further it seems like he has plenty of reasonable advice if I do a translation to my own words. However, it seems to me like the author is perpetuating the idea that a man's value is entirely external, and he's someone missing the ability to 'be'.
Ok, chapter 4 "Know your real edge and don't fake it" is cool, about looking at where you are comfortable and how to think beyond that to find what you are afraid of.
>>>Whereas many women waste precious time swirling in emotional currents and eddies, many men waste their birth seeking the completion of tasks.
Honestly, I feel like the way most books talk about masc/fem, I would probably benefit most from a book written for women about how to get in touch with their masculinity, since I usually identify with the feminine descriptions. Maybe i should read "lean in".
>>>"Admit to yourself that if you had to choose one or the other, the perfect intimate relationship or achieving your highest purpose in life, you would choose to succeed at your purpose. Just this self-knowledge often relieves much pressure a man feels to prioritize his relationship when, in fact, it is not his highest priority.
>>>You mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty...The next time you notice yourself "giving in" to your woman, postponing your mission and denying your true purpose in order to spend time with her, stop. Tell your woman that you lover her, but you cannot deny your heart's purpose. "
This might have made me mad on the first reading, now I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe he's right! But i don't know. Maybe I'm a bit resigned... I mean, a lot of what he says seems aimed at a very particular type of dude, where maybe this could be good advice.
A lot of his advice is good advice / admonishments to listen and trust yourself essentially.
Anyways it's always fun to take statements from new age book out of context so let's do that.
>>>"When a man gives his true gift of sex to his woman, he penetrates and blooms her beyond all limits into love. It is the same with the world." haha
>>>"You have probably noticed yourself in the "do mode". You are totally focused, intent on getting a task done. You don't want to be disturbed. If anyone tries to interrupt you with a question, you ignore them, or give them a quick answer so you can keep on track. This "do mode is very common among men...It's great to be able to plow through obstructions and get the job done. And it's good to keep yourself disciplined and on purpose... Even now, as you read this, you may be in a "do mode," totally esconsed in the process of reading. If you were to die right now, what would be the feeling texture of your last moment? Are you feeling the infinite mystery of existence, so that your last moment would be one of awe and gratitude? Is your heart so wide open that your last moment would dissolve in perfect love? Or, are you so absorbed in some task that you would hardly notice death upon you, until the last instant, whoosh, and everything is gone?"
>>>"When you listen to your woman, listen to her as you would the ocean, or the wind in the leaves. The sounds you hear from her are sounds of the motion of her feeling-energy."
>>>You might ask her, "Do you want to go to the movies?"
She might reply, "Not really."
Then you hug her and spin her around and say, "Let's go to
the movies!"
And she says, " O K ! "
AHHHHHH
I have such a hard time imagining states of mind this makes sense. I guess I can imagine someone being sullen and being playful with them to get them out of their sullenness, but it would be a slower process for me.
>>>If you are like most men, you probably hide the amount of
sexual attraction you feel toward women every day. At work, on
the street, and in the grocery store, you see women that turn you
on. Sometimes you might want to have sex with them. But many
times the feeling is more of a wave of refreshment washing
through you.
Ahhhhhhh --- I think that this guy is actually not in touch with his femininity and looks to women and sex as a way to remove his anxiety and desire for control, which he doesn't realize is anxiety, and is totally confusing how this anxiety is making him successful and productive with wholesome productivity.[ahh, later he talks about how "you"--aka probably him-- wants to feel 'released from constraint and experience the freedom on the other side' and that one way to do this is through orgasm, or sports. Yeaaah, too bad I already feel free!]
On a different note, there might be something I'm missing. Like maybe the beauty of a feminine face is the same as the beauty in nature, and I'm not noticing this. However my associations with natural beauty are that it is awe inspiring, and awe is a mixture of both fear and wonder. I wouldn't exactly call it comforting, though it is attention grabbing, and it does inspire openness and self connection.
He's got chapters on how not to trust what women say, and this is really about being in touch with yourself, that seems fine. I also think that talking about women 'testing' men is not understanding what's going on. I guess I shouldn't assume to have a better model either, but it seems to me, that certain types 'shit tests' are basically small needles or tiny aggressions that come from them defending against the dangers of men who aren't in touch with themselves and prone to tiny aggressions themselves. [often of the kind where the man is feeling somehow weak and using the woman as a crutch]. Despite that, I actually appreciate a lot of what he says around the topic of tests.
Ok, I reread half of it and am not going to go further.
==========================================
I think my personal issues are somehow tied up in my anger towards this. I think there is a way of approaching and engaging with the external world that is often framed in a vaguely unwholesome / aggressive way --- other men tell me to 'be more aggressive' or 'just do it' --- and I find these framworks to be slightly self-punishing or against-self in some way. Or they pretend to ignore certain details and can cause harm on others. And so I reject them out of hand, but my rejection is also against-self in a certain way, and prevents me from expressing myself, engaging with the world, sharing things, and being productive. out of space.
March 30, 2012
Amazing read, all men should read this. He nails the masculine/feminine archetypes and suggests that men take more responsibility for the relationship by always focusing on their purpose, and women focusing on their radiance. It's hard for me to put into words the impact this book has had -- ultimately it was a huge relief to know that my big dream for what I want in a relationship is not impossible -- it is articulated beautifully by Deida in this book.
January 24, 2021
**Editing again: This book is PURE TRASH. The author does not understand women (because they aren't a monolith), definitely does not like women as he understands them, and is instructing men how to treat women based on his flawed, arrogant, and misogynistic understanding. Only read it if you want insight into the specific ways that misogyny and patriarchy shape ideas.
**Will be editing at the bottom as I continue reading to include some of the more ridiculous phrases**
This book is trash pop-psychology masquerading as deep, spiritual thinking. It oversimplifies and creates a binary out of the unending complexities of who we are as people and how we relate to each other. His understanding of masculine and feminine energies, which he purports to differentiate from male and female anatomies, perfectly align with the culturally cultivated stereotypes of our society. Ultimately the entire premise reinforces gender stereotypes while telling you that it isn't about gender stereotypes.
He makes wild claims (e.g., 90% of people have a more masculine or feminine sexual essence, and the 10% who are more balanced are "just not that sexually distracted by anyone") with no foundation, then makes concrete statements based on those assertions. The number of times he begins a sentence with "Most women..." is infuriating.
The first thing I want to know about a book written by a man that's supposed to help develop and free the "masculine" is how the author thinks about women. Especially when the premise of the book is that polarities attract each other. This author speaks about women as though they are objects ("your woman") to be guided (Chapter 20: Don't Suggest that a Woman Fix Her Own Emotional Problem..., Chapter 30: What She Wants is Not What She Says, Chapter 32: She Doesn't Really Want to be Number One). Chapter 18 begins by describing (twice) a woman who is "bitchy and complaining." This is NOT a man who respects women or the "feminine essence." It that's one of the polarity nothing you have to say about the other side will be well-informed or useful.
None of this is helped by the recommendation blurb on the back cover that starts with "Finally, a guide for the non-castrated male." If you choose to amplify that endorsement you're telling us a whole lot about what you actually believe.
What Did I Just Read: "masculine thunderbolt of love," "...he will act like a woman and be hurt or defensive."
**Will be editing at the bottom as I continue reading to include some of the more ridiculous phrases**
This book is trash pop-psychology masquerading as deep, spiritual thinking. It oversimplifies and creates a binary out of the unending complexities of who we are as people and how we relate to each other. His understanding of masculine and feminine energies, which he purports to differentiate from male and female anatomies, perfectly align with the culturally cultivated stereotypes of our society. Ultimately the entire premise reinforces gender stereotypes while telling you that it isn't about gender stereotypes.
He makes wild claims (e.g., 90% of people have a more masculine or feminine sexual essence, and the 10% who are more balanced are "just not that sexually distracted by anyone") with no foundation, then makes concrete statements based on those assertions. The number of times he begins a sentence with "Most women..." is infuriating.
The first thing I want to know about a book written by a man that's supposed to help develop and free the "masculine" is how the author thinks about women. Especially when the premise of the book is that polarities attract each other. This author speaks about women as though they are objects ("your woman") to be guided (Chapter 20: Don't Suggest that a Woman Fix Her Own Emotional Problem..., Chapter 30: What She Wants is Not What She Says, Chapter 32: She Doesn't Really Want to be Number One). Chapter 18 begins by describing (twice) a woman who is "bitchy and complaining." This is NOT a man who respects women or the "feminine essence." It that's one of the polarity nothing you have to say about the other side will be well-informed or useful.
None of this is helped by the recommendation blurb on the back cover that starts with "Finally, a guide for the non-castrated male." If you choose to amplify that endorsement you're telling us a whole lot about what you actually believe.
What Did I Just Read: "masculine thunderbolt of love," "...he will act like a woman and be hurt or defensive."
February 24, 2015
David Deida does a bang up job as your new best friend.
Giving men an opportunity to be heard, affirmed and admonished by one of their peers. Giving them the sort of challenge that only another man can pose.
His blunt simplicity in tackling the real issues men face when moving into their 'full man strength' - as my girlfriends and I call it - is as educational as it is entertaining.
And just when you are comfortable with this book as an Oprah-era self help tome, all neat and tidy for prime time, Mr. Deida hits you with a raw sensuality and Taoist connectivity that finds you with your hand down your pants (or up your skirt, as it was in my case.)
And in order to unlock the Heart of every matter along the way he paints lines of prose with Haffizian precision. You learn to leave it open, even if sometimes it hurts.
Gentlemen, be prepared. Completing the challenges posed by this book may have you feeling beyond all grown up.
Giving men an opportunity to be heard, affirmed and admonished by one of their peers. Giving them the sort of challenge that only another man can pose.
His blunt simplicity in tackling the real issues men face when moving into their 'full man strength' - as my girlfriends and I call it - is as educational as it is entertaining.
And just when you are comfortable with this book as an Oprah-era self help tome, all neat and tidy for prime time, Mr. Deida hits you with a raw sensuality and Taoist connectivity that finds you with your hand down your pants (or up your skirt, as it was in my case.)
And in order to unlock the Heart of every matter along the way he paints lines of prose with Haffizian precision. You learn to leave it open, even if sometimes it hurts.
Gentlemen, be prepared. Completing the challenges posed by this book may have you feeling beyond all grown up.
April 15, 2020
A weird-ass book.
It started out not mapping to my life all that well. Meaning things the author claimed to be true/false I know from my own experience to be the opposite, at least for me. But I decided to go along for a while because I wanted to get a different perspective.
I gave up when he started giving tips on dealing with your wife/gf when she appears to act crazy. What a bunch of baloney that was.
I've never before given a one-star rating to a book before. I hesitate to do it even when I totally disagree with the book. In this case, I opted for just one star because the author uses an unsavory intimidation tactic that goes like this: "Are you experiencing these existential thoughts about your life? Then you must do what I tell you, it's the only way out." I'm not with it.
It started out not mapping to my life all that well. Meaning things the author claimed to be true/false I know from my own experience to be the opposite, at least for me. But I decided to go along for a while because I wanted to get a different perspective.
I gave up when he started giving tips on dealing with your wife/gf when she appears to act crazy. What a bunch of baloney that was.
I've never before given a one-star rating to a book before. I hesitate to do it even when I totally disagree with the book. In this case, I opted for just one star because the author uses an unsavory intimidation tactic that goes like this: "Are you experiencing these existential thoughts about your life? Then you must do what I tell you, it's the only way out." I'm not with it.
September 30, 2024
هشت مهر ۱۴۰۳
این کتاب با ایده خوبی شروع کرد. ایده ش تضاد بین خانوم ها و آقایون بود اما به تنها چیزی که نپرداخت این مسئله بود. بیشتر شبیه این بود که یه نفر بدون اینکه وارد جزئیات شه فقط بهت توصیه کنه.
این کتاب با ایده خوبی شروع کرد. ایده ش تضاد بین خانوم ها و آقایون بود اما به تنها چیزی که نپرداخت این مسئله بود. بیشتر شبیه این بود که یه نفر بدون اینکه وارد جزئیات شه فقط بهت توصیه کنه.
August 4, 2019
When I read the phrase, “If you want real passion, you need a ravisher and a ravishee,” I was tempted to put down the book. However, I told a friend of mine that I would read it and offer her my assessment. So, I continued even though this book seems to have been written by and for the men who many of my single female friends despise and are tired of dating.
The Way of the Superior Man is written as I would expect any self-help book is written that tries to emulate Taoism or Zen Buddhism. Unlike those traditions, however, this book features short chapters, shallow thoughts and narrow thinking disguised as Truth. Even when author David Deida includes a useful insight, my brain questions it because of the tsunami of drivel that surrounds it. His misogyny is so blatant, it’s comical. And I’m not sure I’ve ever read the word ejaculate this much in a single book.
Don’t read this book.
The Way of the Superior Man is written as I would expect any self-help book is written that tries to emulate Taoism or Zen Buddhism. Unlike those traditions, however, this book features short chapters, shallow thoughts and narrow thinking disguised as Truth. Even when author David Deida includes a useful insight, my brain questions it because of the tsunami of drivel that surrounds it. His misogyny is so blatant, it’s comical. And I’m not sure I’ve ever read the word ejaculate this much in a single book.
Don’t read this book.
January 20, 2015
As someone generally extremely critical of this sort of stuff, i decided to try and have somewhat of an open mind towards self-development. Still, i would say most of this book consists of that which i cannot possibly justify as being anything other than spiritual new age bullshit, but there are some good parts as well, thus it exceeded my personal expectations
February 7, 2019
Some good stuff but a lot of bad stuff.
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