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I’m Not as Well as I Thought I Was
Checking into a psychiatric institution wasn't exactly on Ruby Wax's agenda for 2022 - writing about it wasn't either, but here we are. These days, trying to stay sane in a completely chaotic world makes life incredibly difficult, especially if you're struggling with your mental health. While searching for inner peace and equanimity amidst global chaos, Ruby realises that, ultimately, the most challenging gauntlet we all must face is ourselves.
I'm Not as Well as I Thought I Was is Ruby's most honest, rawest book to date - an insight into the depths of her psyche, and a stark exploration of what trauma can do to someone. Reflecting on years of personal and professional experience, she opens up to readers about her struggles with mental health and different treatments over the years, hoping to provide reassurance and guidance to anyone confronting their own anticipated, or unanticipated, struggles with mental health.
I'm Not as Well as I Thought I Was is Ruby's most honest, rawest book to date - an insight into the depths of her psyche, and a stark exploration of what trauma can do to someone. Reflecting on years of personal and professional experience, she opens up to readers about her struggles with mental health and different treatments over the years, hoping to provide reassurance and guidance to anyone confronting their own anticipated, or unanticipated, struggles with mental health.
256 pages, Hardcover
Published May 11, 2023
143 people are currently reading
1,200 people want to read
About the author
Ruby Wax
34 books298 followersRuby Wax arrived in Britain in 1977 to pursue an acting career. She says "I really could never find my niche. I was a terrible actress, I couldn't sing, I couldn't do characters, I couldn't do an English accent and I lived in England, so I was narrowing it down".
She met French and Saunders at a party and worked alongside them a number of times, on television in Happy Families, at charity events such as Hysteria and notably the sitcom Girls on Top. Ruby played Shelley Dupont, a stereotypically loud American dying for a career in show-business. Not a huge hit, Girls on Top nevertheless gave the trio the chance to find their feet in comedy.
Ruby eventually got a chat show after drunkenly interviewing Michael Grade (who was head of Channel 4 at the time) in a tent at the Edinburgh festival. She subsequently made a range of programmes, many revolving around her as an interviewer. Her popularity in terms of comedy came from her interviewing technique: she was always forthright, brash and loud, conforming to the British stereotype of an American. Her physical appearance matched this image, with red hair and blood-red lipstick.
In 2002 Ruby Wax wrote her memoir, How Do You Want Me?, which became a bestseller.
Her 2010 stand-up show Losing It deals with her experience of bipolar disorder. She founded Black Dog Tribe in 2011 in response to the audience reaction from her theatre show. In September 2013, she graduated from Kellogg College at Oxford University with a master's degree in mindfulness based cognitive therapy. She had previously earned a postgraduate certificate in psychotherapy and counselling from Regents College in London.
These days she promotes understanding of the brain and campaigns for greater mental health awareness and destigmatisation.
- summarised from Dawn French Online, Wikipedia and her website
She met French and Saunders at a party and worked alongside them a number of times, on television in Happy Families, at charity events such as Hysteria and notably the sitcom Girls on Top. Ruby played Shelley Dupont, a stereotypically loud American dying for a career in show-business. Not a huge hit, Girls on Top nevertheless gave the trio the chance to find their feet in comedy.
Ruby eventually got a chat show after drunkenly interviewing Michael Grade (who was head of Channel 4 at the time) in a tent at the Edinburgh festival. She subsequently made a range of programmes, many revolving around her as an interviewer. Her popularity in terms of comedy came from her interviewing technique: she was always forthright, brash and loud, conforming to the British stereotype of an American. Her physical appearance matched this image, with red hair and blood-red lipstick.
In 2002 Ruby Wax wrote her memoir, How Do You Want Me?, which became a bestseller.
Her 2010 stand-up show Losing It deals with her experience of bipolar disorder. She founded Black Dog Tribe in 2011 in response to the audience reaction from her theatre show. In September 2013, she graduated from Kellogg College at Oxford University with a master's degree in mindfulness based cognitive therapy. She had previously earned a postgraduate certificate in psychotherapy and counselling from Regents College in London.
These days she promotes understanding of the brain and campaigns for greater mental health awareness and destigmatisation.
- summarised from Dawn French Online, Wikipedia and her website
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 128 reviews
September 27, 2023
Ruby Wax’s novel I’m Not as Well as I Thought I Was, is meant to be an honest portrayal of Wax’s depressive episode and her personal journey to a healthier mental state. I’d seen loads of hype about surrounding the memoir, so I was excited to read it. The eye-catching title and mental health theme instantly appealed to me, however, that is where the interest stopped. Unfortunately, I’m Not as Well as I Thought I Was, was the worst book I’ve read this year. I bought it on sale for £10, and if I still had the receipt, I’d ask for a refund. I had no idea who Ruby Wax is. Halfway through her incessant name dropping, I googled her and found out she used to be a presenter until as she said, she turned 50 and was kicked out of TV. Ruby Wax suffers from depression, her Jewish parents had an incredibly hard life, they fled Austria when Hitler seized power, her mother was diagnosed with hysteria as a result of the trauma and her father Edward was imprisoned and tortured for his faith. They both suffered with bad mental health and the household wasn’t stable for Wax growing up. She describes this as the root of her mental health issues. However, this doesn’t explain why she comes across as a self-entitled, mind-numbing woman. Whenever things get too much, she checks herself into a psychiatric institution for a bit, this is the most interesting part of her book. She should have focused on her time in these places, but she treats them almost like a holiday home, popping in and out whenever she fancies. In a so-called attempt to find stability, she jumps from one obscenely insane life experience to another, trying to ‘find herself’. This is the main focus of the memoir, which she uses as an opportunity to show off about her holidays that year. I wish when my mental health was bad, I could sack everything and everyone off to go spiritual whale watching or volunteering in a third world country to make myself feel more valued. Instead, when my mental health is bad, I go to work.
This memoir is more focused on promoting Wax’s image and her extravagant holidays, rather than how she deals with her mental health. The whole piece read like one massive brag which has no relevance to her depressive episode. The only person I did sympathise with was her poor husband, Ed who she is awful to. She orders him around like a maid, telling him to bring and fetch her things she’ll never want or need in the hospital, and when he is diagnosed with prostate cancer her behaviour towards him is shocking. Apparently, the secret to their marriage is that they don’t see each other a lot, which is very believable. Ruby hates Louis Theroux, she is under the impression he ‘took her job’ and contributed to her falling from the spotlight. I’ve watched tons of his shows and documentaries, and I find him very witty, unlike Wax. I definitely won’t be reading anything else she has written, nor will I be wasting my time recommending anything she’s created to anyone else; no one should have to struggle through this babble.
This memoir is more focused on promoting Wax’s image and her extravagant holidays, rather than how she deals with her mental health. The whole piece read like one massive brag which has no relevance to her depressive episode. The only person I did sympathise with was her poor husband, Ed who she is awful to. She orders him around like a maid, telling him to bring and fetch her things she’ll never want or need in the hospital, and when he is diagnosed with prostate cancer her behaviour towards him is shocking. Apparently, the secret to their marriage is that they don’t see each other a lot, which is very believable. Ruby hates Louis Theroux, she is under the impression he ‘took her job’ and contributed to her falling from the spotlight. I’ve watched tons of his shows and documentaries, and I find him very witty, unlike Wax. I definitely won’t be reading anything else she has written, nor will I be wasting my time recommending anything she’s created to anyone else; no one should have to struggle through this babble.
June 16, 2023
This book was a bit misleading to me. I thought it was going to be mainly about mental health troubles and how to get through it. That was the reason I bought it. I was wrong, the book is very random and just goes from one story to another about the authors adventures in life. There is very little about her stay in the mental health hospital and how they actually helped her through her troubles. I think if someone was going to write a mental health book it should actually focus more on that as thats the reason people buy the book.
May 22, 2023
Well written, honest and very funny in parts, but it was very random. I expected the book to focus on her decision to enter the mental institution and what happened whilst she was there, her experiences within the institution. There was a small amount written about that, but mostly this was about Ruby's quest feel relevant and various excursions leading up to her breakdown. It's more celebrity biography than mental health book.
October 29, 2023
Fearne Cotton’s review said it best, “We’re all a little messed up” - that is exactly how deep this book gets into mental health issues and treatment.
This was terrible. The author is incredibly self absorbed to the point it’s hard to like her - something she points out several times but does not change (It’s also the 6th book she has written on this topic so it’s hard to take these revelations seriously). She is CONSTANTLY name dropping and talking about her many “lucrative” jobs and opportunities, which is insufferable in the context. The goal of the book seemed to be “find happiness” - the horrible reality of mental Illness is nowhere to be seen.
This author is horribly out of touch with the mental health crisis and experiences of people who suffer. This book is simply an account of several vacations of a very privileged rich lady who wishes she was on TV more. The writing is not bad and there is humour there. I fear this book portrays mental illness so lightly that it’s damaging to the campaign to reduce the stigma and take mental health conditions seriously.
This was terrible. The author is incredibly self absorbed to the point it’s hard to like her - something she points out several times but does not change (It’s also the 6th book she has written on this topic so it’s hard to take these revelations seriously). She is CONSTANTLY name dropping and talking about her many “lucrative” jobs and opportunities, which is insufferable in the context. The goal of the book seemed to be “find happiness” - the horrible reality of mental Illness is nowhere to be seen.
This author is horribly out of touch with the mental health crisis and experiences of people who suffer. This book is simply an account of several vacations of a very privileged rich lady who wishes she was on TV more. The writing is not bad and there is humour there. I fear this book portrays mental illness so lightly that it’s damaging to the campaign to reduce the stigma and take mental health conditions seriously.
October 5, 2024
How are you trying to stay sane in this chaos of a world we’re living in? Or maybe I should rephrase that to an even simpler question; do you consider yourself to be sane? Ruby Wax apparently doesn’t and she wanted to share that with all of us writing “I’m Not as Well as I Thought I Was”. In this short and very honest book, the writer reflects on her struggles with her mental health, literally opening her heart to the reader. She gives us insight to what she has been through and at the same time hope and reassurance that things are going to be fine as long as we are willing to challenge and confront ourselves. The writing is simple, raw and very funny. The whole experience of reading the book was amazing as I have recently as well seen her play in London which I enjoyed very much as well. It is a 3.5/5 for me!
This is a book about mental health and mental health issues. Suicidal ideation and depression. About feeling helpless, lonely and having a distorted perception of reality. The idea that we are much more than our emotions which, enter and exit ourselves together with our thoughts without control. The stigma of mental health disorders and the various ways to treat them. The drug treatment and the mental institutions. The need to escape from them and the fear of not knowing where to go if you do. The value of psychotherapy. The fact that our early life experiences as children shape our mental map. Family trauma, domestic abuse and the lack of belonging. It is also a book about mindfulness and spirituality. Practicing mindfulness as a way to show compassion to yourself. The sanctification of actions under the prism of awareness. Meditation, flowing and knowing, and finding happiness through change. Humility and faith. The need to feel you are part of something bigger and the idea of finding home within yourself. It is also a book about the glam and the downside of a career in television. The need to be liked that comes with success and the big idea about yourself that is fed by show business. Most of all though this is a book about life as a process to build and then demolish your ego. The experiences that make you feel present and alive and the moments that make you feel happy and give you meaning.
Why should you read “I’m Not as Well as I Thought I Was”?
Because you will realise that, in our core, we are all just humans trying hard to find peace and happiness.
Because you will experience some parts of the crippling journey of depression and feel empathy towards people facing mental health issues.
Because you will understand that reinventing yourself and trying to always be funny, is a form of escape, a survival tactic and a way of feeling protected and safe, but definitely not the best way to deal with trauma.
Because you will acknowledge that compassion, humility, mindfulness and faith can act as mental stabilisers.
Because you will accept the importance of having time to reflect on what you lived and experienced.
Because you will feel the need to commit to this long and ongoing process we all owe to ourselves: to get to know you with kindness and treat you with compassion.
Favourite quotes:
“It’s ironic that my parents ran from Europe to escape the war, and I ran to Europe to escape them”.
“I had the privilege of working beside nurses, teachers and heads of charities who worked with such compassionate it took your breath away. When you’re near people doing that, you catch being compassionate, like it’s a virus”.
This is a book about mental health and mental health issues. Suicidal ideation and depression. About feeling helpless, lonely and having a distorted perception of reality. The idea that we are much more than our emotions which, enter and exit ourselves together with our thoughts without control. The stigma of mental health disorders and the various ways to treat them. The drug treatment and the mental institutions. The need to escape from them and the fear of not knowing where to go if you do. The value of psychotherapy. The fact that our early life experiences as children shape our mental map. Family trauma, domestic abuse and the lack of belonging. It is also a book about mindfulness and spirituality. Practicing mindfulness as a way to show compassion to yourself. The sanctification of actions under the prism of awareness. Meditation, flowing and knowing, and finding happiness through change. Humility and faith. The need to feel you are part of something bigger and the idea of finding home within yourself. It is also a book about the glam and the downside of a career in television. The need to be liked that comes with success and the big idea about yourself that is fed by show business. Most of all though this is a book about life as a process to build and then demolish your ego. The experiences that make you feel present and alive and the moments that make you feel happy and give you meaning.
Why should you read “I’m Not as Well as I Thought I Was”?
Because you will realise that, in our core, we are all just humans trying hard to find peace and happiness.
Because you will experience some parts of the crippling journey of depression and feel empathy towards people facing mental health issues.
Because you will understand that reinventing yourself and trying to always be funny, is a form of escape, a survival tactic and a way of feeling protected and safe, but definitely not the best way to deal with trauma.
Because you will acknowledge that compassion, humility, mindfulness and faith can act as mental stabilisers.
Because you will accept the importance of having time to reflect on what you lived and experienced.
Because you will feel the need to commit to this long and ongoing process we all owe to ourselves: to get to know you with kindness and treat you with compassion.
Favourite quotes:
“It’s ironic that my parents ran from Europe to escape the war, and I ran to Europe to escape them”.
“I had the privilege of working beside nurses, teachers and heads of charities who worked with such compassionate it took your breath away. When you’re near people doing that, you catch being compassionate, like it’s a virus”.
September 19, 2023
I feel kind of weird saying that I enjoyed a book about a woman going through a breakdown, but it is true, nevertheless. Wax has an engaging frankness and a no nonsense approach that I found really refreshing in the field of mental health. She admits when she messes up. She talks honestly about what it feels like for her to go through what she does. She also has the gift of finding the funny in the bleakness. She makes mental health something that real people who live real lives go through, which kind of gives permission for us to mess up, get sick and get help too.
July 8, 2024
I loved this book.
I really had no idea what to expect from it but I did know who Ruby Wax was and her style/mo. And it is exactly written with who Ruby Wax is - unpredictable, a bit out there. Moments of insight and laugh out loud one liners. This is who Ruby Wax is.
Reading some of the reviews about expecting it to be anything more just shows you know nothing about the personality.
One of the quickest books I have read and that says something!
I really had no idea what to expect from it but I did know who Ruby Wax was and her style/mo. And it is exactly written with who Ruby Wax is - unpredictable, a bit out there. Moments of insight and laugh out loud one liners. This is who Ruby Wax is.
Reading some of the reviews about expecting it to be anything more just shows you know nothing about the personality.
One of the quickest books I have read and that says something!
August 5, 2024
Anmassend. Ausstellend. Durch eine sehr privilegierte Linse geblickt. Denke ich. Aber zum Collagieren bestimmt okey.
February 5, 2025
Honestly a solid read, a good perspective into mental health, read things that even I think about and a few tools that I'm gonna take on board, recommend to anyone.
September 21, 2023
Loved this book- so human and real! I love the way Ruby writes as she injects humour so you are engaged but she explains some very difficult topics. This book resonates on so many levels- I can only recommend it and say Thank You Ruby for sharing your story
May 18, 2023
I couldn’t give this 5 stars because there’s parts, particularly early on, that just feel like a stream of consciousness but I was glad I persisted. It’s a raw and honest account of her life as it unfolded over the last couple of years with insights into what went before that help to explain the difficulties and successes she’s experienced. As someone who’s been to an event where Ruby was speaking I now completely understand why she was late and can totally forgive her for it. If I’d had the nerve to speak to her I now know that she would have said something funny whilst silently envying some aspect of my looks or personality. I found that quite comforting.
December 13, 2024
I was always a great lover of television programmes with comedian Ruby Wax. She was always so funny, zany, wacky and produced great documentaries which also had her mad humour included.
I knew that she had been troubled with depression throughout her life…Ruby was always open about that and talked regularly about it.
With my active interest in health and wellbeing a friend gave me this book to read. I couldn’t put it down…..it was so readable and very descriptive of her journey a couple of years ago where her mental health had plummeted and where she was in hospital for treatment to her depression. She talks very openly about this….and it made me sad that she again had been overwhelmed with depression and couldn’t really function with every day life. Having said that it made me sad……it also made me laugh…..as Ruby’s humour and wit shines through constantly. Her journeys with her friends are so delightful and funny. Her documentaries around celebrities are classic. However throughout this there is suffering in mental health issues…..I would describe this as the tears of a clown situation. Her relationship with her parents that were not good is something I fully relate to……and very meaningful to me…..and how it moulded my particular life journey and mental health. This is a great book to read.
I knew that she had been troubled with depression throughout her life…Ruby was always open about that and talked regularly about it.
With my active interest in health and wellbeing a friend gave me this book to read. I couldn’t put it down…..it was so readable and very descriptive of her journey a couple of years ago where her mental health had plummeted and where she was in hospital for treatment to her depression. She talks very openly about this….and it made me sad that she again had been overwhelmed with depression and couldn’t really function with every day life. Having said that it made me sad……it also made me laugh…..as Ruby’s humour and wit shines through constantly. Her journeys with her friends are so delightful and funny. Her documentaries around celebrities are classic. However throughout this there is suffering in mental health issues…..I would describe this as the tears of a clown situation. Her relationship with her parents that were not good is something I fully relate to……and very meaningful to me…..and how it moulded my particular life journey and mental health. This is a great book to read.
May 14, 2023
Reflections and lessons learned/the content of this book made me feel…
“I don’t answer my phone because I wouldn’t know who I am, let alone who they are. Nothing is working except my eyes which dart around the room”
Even despite the raw title, this book was more random than I expected, but that’s possibly not a bad thing considering? Context is always everything, so this ongoing diarised narrative mostly worked as a book for me. I think that you’ve got to be a fan of Wax, but there’s still of lot of sensible, first hand and direct advice for anyone struggling with mental health issues. Just like you can’t control a pain from injury to your leg or spleen, the brain is an ongoing challenge no matter how strong you are
“I don’t answer my phone because I wouldn’t know who I am, let alone who they are. Nothing is working except my eyes which dart around the room”
Even despite the raw title, this book was more random than I expected, but that’s possibly not a bad thing considering? Context is always everything, so this ongoing diarised narrative mostly worked as a book for me. I think that you’ve got to be a fan of Wax, but there’s still of lot of sensible, first hand and direct advice for anyone struggling with mental health issues. Just like you can’t control a pain from injury to your leg or spleen, the brain is an ongoing challenge no matter how strong you are
January 27, 2024
I've always liked Ruby Wax, loved her TV shows, loved her earlier books, but this one disappoints. It's not up to her usual standards, but quite a mess. There's no focus, Wax jumps from one thing to another, and it isn't clear what she's trying to convey. As others have already commented, it feels quite random and pointless. I think there's a message or real story hiding in there somewhere, but stricter editing would've helped it stand out more and give the book better coherence. However, Ruby's always very honest about dealing with her crazy upbringing and mental health issues and I truly appreciate it.
April 8, 2025
Ok - it happened AGAIN. I got a book because of an interesting title and immediately kinda thought it was fictional. Guess who bought ANOTHER memoir of someone she didn’t know at all lmao. Also it really was not what I expected idk. I enjoyed the parts about the clinic and the mental stuff (aka reasons why I bought this) but I’m sorry the other stuff straight up sounded made up. I mean it was written in a nice way but overall pretty boring.
September 25, 2024
My first book by Ruby and I loved it. I had to go watch the BBC show where they traced her family after reading this. Also, I just found it the perfect balance between real and hilarious. Or hilariously real at times, the Americans on the whale trip and the German healers. I know these people!
September 11, 2023
I thought that I would enjoy this a lot more than I did. I can’t quite put my finger on why I didn’t really enjoy it though!
October 9, 2023
I just like to listen to Ruby ramble on about everything and anything.
July 13, 2024
Loved this book!
December 29, 2024
I honestly didn’t know how to rate this- I’m still not sure. I have no idea how to think about this book.
March 3, 2025
i thought this would be more of a relatable mental health oriented story but it wasn't🥲harsh rating but i had high expectations and they were not fulfilled with this collection of stories
April 17, 2024
Mental health is such a thing, great inside into a colourful past and breaks down taboo issue if mental health
July 30, 2024
Decent memoir, considering I don't like them normally. I definitely preferred the first half of the book more though
September 3, 2024
3.5 stars
June 30, 2024
The book has an intriguing twin timeline structure aided by Ruby Wax's ferocious chronicler tendencies.
So the framing present-time of the book is the five weeks Ruby spends in a clinic in May-June of 2022 suffering from a severe depressive episode, yet still able to reflect with amusing acerbity on the treatments and analysis sessions she undergoes, the broken past she explores, and the whole feeling of being gripped by depression and slowly but surely crawling out of a deep dark hole. It's a salutary exemplar of the fact that 'depression' is not 'being a bit sad' - it is a crippling paralysis of motivation and the ability to cope with the everyday.
The interludes in treatment are bracketed by accounts of Ruby's hideously cramped timetable of research/personal experiences between January 2022 and her collapse into depression.
A month log retreat to a mindfulness centre at Spirit Rock,
a expedition to swim with humpbacked wales,
an experience supporting refugees in a camp in Greece,
a road trip recorded TV show in the company of two other celebrities to recreate the journey of a Victorian pioneer Isabella Bird, and finally
a retreat at a Christian community "Brothers in Christ" at a monastery near Leeds.
In the midst of this her stalwartly supportive husband Ed discovers he has cancer and, as Ruby freely acknowledges, has to invest more emotional energy in addressing her reaction to the news than in his own feelings.
The stick of rock words that run through this eclectic mix of challenges and revelations is parental influence. The words of Philip Larkin ring terribly true.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had.
And add some extra, just for you.
Ruby's parents deliver a mix of emotional and physical abuse which ultimately drives Ruby into a constant bid to escape whatever home she has. The journeys, the TV shows, the comedy career, are all a flight from the reek of disappointment, constraint and violence that peppered her childhood - for example chased into a neighbours house where another girl was having a party and beaten in front of the girl and her guests by her father. For Ruby, home is not a place of peace and safe tranquility, it is somewhere you always run from.
The chapters and excursions introduce an array of different characters and Ruby's ability to find connections with the most diverse groups makes for entertaining reading.
However, particularly given contemporary circumstances, it is the chapter on refugees which struck me most sharply. For all Ruby and her charitable colleague's work with the disadvantaged and penned up in Greece, the sense that gripped me was one of failure, a failure of humanity. In the aftermath of WW2 we first witnessed the potential scale of a refugee crisis and didn't really rise to it as well as we could have. Wax's parents both escaped the holocaust to come to America, but I am struck by how despite the charitable efforts and sacrifices of the likes of Nicholas Winterton or Oskar Schindler, praising individuals - no matter how worthy - is a way to avoid confronting systemic failures. (Much as America seems to love heart-warming stories about 11 year olds selling lemonade to pay off their fellow students' 'lunch debt')
The comedian Henning Wenn once said “We don't do charity in Germany. We pay taxes. Charity is a failure of governments' responsibilities." and the reliance by refugees on charitable NGOs is an example of the same failure of governments to exercise our collective responsibilities as members of the human race and stewards of the planet.
Much as we all like to experience that sense of 'connection' and 'belonging' - all too often defining that 'belonging' involves also defining the 'don't belong.' It's a trait too easily weaponised by populist politicians to point at those most visibly different, and politically vulnerable and accuse them of the 'not-belonging' or of 'otherness' that makes them into Schrodinger's enemy - at once incalculably dangerous, yet simultaneously with no rights, powers or even recognition of their fundamental humanity.
Another aspect of the book which range particularly true is a quite from Falling Upward By Richard Rohr - a book that Ruby found in the clinic library.
You cannot walk the second half of life's journey with first journey tools. You need a whole new tool kit.
With Ruby approaching 70 at the time of these events, it's possibly a bit past the halfway point for abandoning childhood survival tools and learning to live in a new adult environment, but I was intrigued by how this idea highlights the varied dimensions of being a person. We are forever the same 'self' that we were from birth, yet also constantly changing and renewing ourselves. How does one resolve that sense of simultaneous c0ntinuity and fluidity, or of our isolation within our own minds and bodies with that yearning to connect, belong and be part of something other than just ourselves. Part of the ennui that seems to have gripped the world may originate in the brutal rugged individualism of the neo-liberalism that Monbiot outlined in The Invisible Doctrine.
In Good luck to you, Leo Grande I enjoyed watching Emma Thompson's portrayal of another 'self' coming to a late realisation of toxic patterns of behaviour, and realising that it is never too late to address them, that 'now' is always the perfect moment. Thompson as the retired widowed school teacher hires the eponymous sex worker to 'professionally' address the intimate deficiencies of her ultra staid marriage. The show is beautifully written and acted, elegantly effective rather than prurient in its use of nudity. And again, as with Ruby Wax's battle with depression and its roots in her own past, it is about a recognition of self, and of life as a journey not a destination.
So the framing present-time of the book is the five weeks Ruby spends in a clinic in May-June of 2022 suffering from a severe depressive episode, yet still able to reflect with amusing acerbity on the treatments and analysis sessions she undergoes, the broken past she explores, and the whole feeling of being gripped by depression and slowly but surely crawling out of a deep dark hole. It's a salutary exemplar of the fact that 'depression' is not 'being a bit sad' - it is a crippling paralysis of motivation and the ability to cope with the everyday.
The interludes in treatment are bracketed by accounts of Ruby's hideously cramped timetable of research/personal experiences between January 2022 and her collapse into depression.
A month log retreat to a mindfulness centre at Spirit Rock,
a expedition to swim with humpbacked wales,
an experience supporting refugees in a camp in Greece,
a road trip recorded TV show in the company of two other celebrities to recreate the journey of a Victorian pioneer Isabella Bird, and finally
a retreat at a Christian community "Brothers in Christ" at a monastery near Leeds.
In the midst of this her stalwartly supportive husband Ed discovers he has cancer and, as Ruby freely acknowledges, has to invest more emotional energy in addressing her reaction to the news than in his own feelings.
The stick of rock words that run through this eclectic mix of challenges and revelations is parental influence. The words of Philip Larkin ring terribly true.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had.
And add some extra, just for you.
Ruby's parents deliver a mix of emotional and physical abuse which ultimately drives Ruby into a constant bid to escape whatever home she has. The journeys, the TV shows, the comedy career, are all a flight from the reek of disappointment, constraint and violence that peppered her childhood - for example chased into a neighbours house where another girl was having a party and beaten in front of the girl and her guests by her father. For Ruby, home is not a place of peace and safe tranquility, it is somewhere you always run from.
The chapters and excursions introduce an array of different characters and Ruby's ability to find connections with the most diverse groups makes for entertaining reading.
However, particularly given contemporary circumstances, it is the chapter on refugees which struck me most sharply. For all Ruby and her charitable colleague's work with the disadvantaged and penned up in Greece, the sense that gripped me was one of failure, a failure of humanity. In the aftermath of WW2 we first witnessed the potential scale of a refugee crisis and didn't really rise to it as well as we could have. Wax's parents both escaped the holocaust to come to America, but I am struck by how despite the charitable efforts and sacrifices of the likes of Nicholas Winterton or Oskar Schindler, praising individuals - no matter how worthy - is a way to avoid confronting systemic failures. (Much as America seems to love heart-warming stories about 11 year olds selling lemonade to pay off their fellow students' 'lunch debt')
The comedian Henning Wenn once said “We don't do charity in Germany. We pay taxes. Charity is a failure of governments' responsibilities." and the reliance by refugees on charitable NGOs is an example of the same failure of governments to exercise our collective responsibilities as members of the human race and stewards of the planet.
Much as we all like to experience that sense of 'connection' and 'belonging' - all too often defining that 'belonging' involves also defining the 'don't belong.' It's a trait too easily weaponised by populist politicians to point at those most visibly different, and politically vulnerable and accuse them of the 'not-belonging' or of 'otherness' that makes them into Schrodinger's enemy - at once incalculably dangerous, yet simultaneously with no rights, powers or even recognition of their fundamental humanity.
Another aspect of the book which range particularly true is a quite from Falling Upward By Richard Rohr - a book that Ruby found in the clinic library.
You cannot walk the second half of life's journey with first journey tools. You need a whole new tool kit.
With Ruby approaching 70 at the time of these events, it's possibly a bit past the halfway point for abandoning childhood survival tools and learning to live in a new adult environment, but I was intrigued by how this idea highlights the varied dimensions of being a person. We are forever the same 'self' that we were from birth, yet also constantly changing and renewing ourselves. How does one resolve that sense of simultaneous c0ntinuity and fluidity, or of our isolation within our own minds and bodies with that yearning to connect, belong and be part of something other than just ourselves. Part of the ennui that seems to have gripped the world may originate in the brutal rugged individualism of the neo-liberalism that Monbiot outlined in The Invisible Doctrine.
In Good luck to you, Leo Grande I enjoyed watching Emma Thompson's portrayal of another 'self' coming to a late realisation of toxic patterns of behaviour, and realising that it is never too late to address them, that 'now' is always the perfect moment. Thompson as the retired widowed school teacher hires the eponymous sex worker to 'professionally' address the intimate deficiencies of her ultra staid marriage. The show is beautifully written and acted, elegantly effective rather than prurient in its use of nudity. And again, as with Ruby Wax's battle with depression and its roots in her own past, it is about a recognition of self, and of life as a journey not a destination.
May 4, 2024
I feel bad giving a bad review but overall this is a book which should never have been published. It offers little to anyone who is suffering from mental health problems and is not a particularly interesting read.
My assumption is that Ruby Wax wrote this to try and recapture her self worth and show that she was once a household name and produced some good TV.
Her recent books have used her experience as an Oxford graduate and expert in mental health to give tips on how to address any imbalance. This does none of that and those bits which do not address how wonderful she was in the past are largely an account of her own time in hospital.
As a result it is self indulgent and poor but probably not a deliberate attempt to rip off the buying public.
My assumption is that Ruby Wax wrote this to try and recapture her self worth and show that she was once a household name and produced some good TV.
Her recent books have used her experience as an Oxford graduate and expert in mental health to give tips on how to address any imbalance. This does none of that and those bits which do not address how wonderful she was in the past are largely an account of her own time in hospital.
As a result it is self indulgent and poor but probably not a deliberate attempt to rip off the buying public.
June 7, 2023
Ruby is a recovering depressive, or at least she was, until last year when her illness crept up and yanked her back under for the first time in over ten years. In this book she's open and raw, taking us to spiritual retreats, her childhood home, her life in TV, the mental institution, and into her therapy sessions, and through all of that she's honest, funny, warm, and best of all, flawed - she can't fake it for us, God bless her.
I loved her before and I only love her more now. Also I listened to the audiobook which is actually Ruby reading it and I'd highly recommend this because of her deadpan delivery.
I loved her before and I only love her more now. Also I listened to the audiobook which is actually Ruby reading it and I'd highly recommend this because of her deadpan delivery.
March 21, 2025
What a woman! My goodness. Everyone knows who Ruby Wax is, this is everyone THINKS they know Ruby Wax. Who they see on TV during these shows and interviews is an alien in comparison to the vulnerable and real woman who wrote this book. Honestly I had no idea of her struggles. She's a few years my senior so her rise to fame, in the nicest way possible, had been and gone by the time I'd seen the reruns of her shows and figured out who she is.
I am someone who advocates the importance of mental health and understanding it. Ruby has given a detailed account of her struggles which leave you crying but also laughing. It was a huge eye opener and extremely humbling. I would recommend it.
I am someone who advocates the importance of mental health and understanding it. Ruby has given a detailed account of her struggles which leave you crying but also laughing. It was a huge eye opener and extremely humbling. I would recommend it.
June 25, 2023
I'd seen from a two-line newspaper review that it was about Wax's admission to an in-patient psychiatric hospital for a depressive episode, and was an account of her time there. Unfortunately, this is only a small part of this book. The bulk of it is a collection of autobiographical anecdotes, many of which have no obvious connection with the mental health aspect. I'm not certain that I would have picked up the book if I'd understood the content to be so varied.
More at https://sjhoward.co.uk/ive-been-readi...
More at https://sjhoward.co.uk/ive-been-readi...
June 23, 2024
This feels like a super open and honest book about mental health and growing as a person. It's refreshing to read someone's story who kept chasing the next thing, only to be stopped in their tracks. Our current culture and society drive people to constantly 'hustle' or keep going no matter what, and this book is a good reminder to slow down and feel. A great mix of a good story, a life lesson, and brutal honesty.
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