for a long time I was thinking: I wish I was hotter

then I read @sashachapin's post about integrating one's shadow and I asked myself for the first time: why is part of me resisting getting hotter?

after all, I could probably afford a stylist and a personal trainer but I don't

first reason is predictive processing rules everything in my brain: when I was young I wanted female attention so badly and was getting so little of it that it still feels vaguely wrong when women tell me I'm attractive, like my model of the world is surprised and throws an error

I think a deeper reason is basically... how to explain it... that if I was 6'4" I'd be West Elm Caleb and that thought is absolutely horrifying to me

Even with my best intentions, if too many people want my company I couldn't give all of them the attention and love they deserve.

There are 30+ people who filled out the hangout form on Putanumonit that I never got back to and I feel so bad and ugh-fieldy about it that I don't even check that form now. But that's just people who want to chat about something I wrote about, how much worse if it was dating!

I invested a ton in a brand of being Good Guy Greg wrt dating, mostly to nudge 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 to be that sort of guy even at times when I'm not so inclined. Part of me is scared that if I was hot I'd be an asshole to women and it'd be terrible for everyone.
putanumonit.com/2022/01/02/selfless-dating/

also I worry that if I was hot I would find fewer women attractive. it's just really fun for me that I find ~90% of women in my social circles beautiful and sexy, even I don't flirt or date anyone it's just amazing to be surrounded by so much hotness

going back to Sasha's post: I don't know if this shadow rumination is helping me feel more self love or okayness or whatever. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm probably not going to get any better looking than this, sorry
sashachapin.substack.com/p/how-i-attained-persistent-self-love